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How Do I Tell My Co-Worker That Her Tinder Boyfriend Is Most Definitely An Axe Murderer?

I know what you’re thinking. Just come out and say it, right? If only it were that easy.

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I know what you're thinking. Just come out and say it, right? If only it were that easy.

We recently acquired a new assistant at our company. She's a young, sweet, doe-eyed girl from the Midwest who comes in wearing bow headbands and pearls. Everything you tell her goes in one ear and out the other because- let's be honest- she's just passing the time until she becomes a stay-at-home mom with a fine china collection. Basically, she's an American Girl Doll with a community college degree.

She's petite, she's calm, she's soft spoken, and lucky enough for her new tinder boyfriend… she's naive.

The first week she started her new position, we worked pretty closely. She told me that she was "in love" with a boy she meant online even though they had only been on three dates.

Okay, crazy.

By week two, she was leaving early on Friday to catch the Jitney so she could spend the weekend at his summer home in the Hamptons. By week three, I needed to know who this psycho was.

First of all. His name. His name sounds like a house in the Harry Potter franchise. It's like the title of a Stephen King Novel. Think creepy guy wearing high-waisted pants and a comb over hovering over a window staring down at a playground.

Stalking via the internet was easy, but this guy was basically handing his social security number to me. Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn: all open. And then came the holy grail of social media feeds. This guy had an IMDB page.

So let me get this straight- He was a child actor, with a house in the Hamptons, with a fetish for southern belles? M. Night Shyamalan is shitting himself that he didn't think of this first.

Just when I thought this couldn't get worse, she tells me he's a producer. A Broadway producer. LOL. This girl is dead. He's going to murder her and use her as a prop in his next production. It will be called "She swiped right- I slashed her throat". And it will get Grave reviews because the New York Times will try to be funny. And he'll live a successful life. And all that will be left of her is a string of pearls and poorly made coffee.

Anyway- we're hiring. Send resumes here.

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