There have been many articles posted online in the past few months that have irritated me for whatever reason. The main reason being the language in the title. It seems every news page posts at least one article with a title claiming something is “goals af”. These are always “clickbait” articles where you have to click on it to find out what the goals are. Usually it ends up being something foolish like “omg a Kardashian took a dump and its totes goals af.” First of use the full word, say “as fuck” if you are old enough to be writing for a website you are old enough to use “bad words.”
Now let me take a moment to talk to you about a recent article I came across today. It was from Cosmo, which I cannot stand in the first place. It was an article about how a woman lost 44 pounds by not doing anything. When I saw the title I automatically thought of how I lost over 100 pounds the past year, and when I clicked on the article I was right. The woman lost the weight the same way I did, with cancer.
I understand that today’s society is obsessed with weight and how people look. They are willing to do anything to have the “perfect” body. Diet pills, surgeries, sticking vacuums up their butts…anything to look good. I have always been what people would consider “fat”, I lost a bunch of weight back in 2007 and kept it off for quite a few years, but gained it back starting in 2011. As of 2015 I was over 200 pounds, 260 to be exact. In November of 2015 I started having issues eating, I would eat and a few minutes later it came back up. At first I thought maybe it had to do with the foods I was eating, pastas and breads, so I stopped eating those. Then it started happening with everything, I didn’t want to go to the doctor and I thought it would eventually stop. It didn’t, when I started puking up liquids that’s when I finally decided to get checked, and in February of 2016 I was diagnosed with esophagus cancer and a tumor in my stomach.
So you wanna lose weight? You wanna do it without lifting a finger? Get cancer!
Hey Cosmo let me tell you some of the stuff you will have to do in order to lose weight the way I, and many others have lost weight!
First off you will need cancer, obviously. Esophagus cancer is a good one to have; a tumor in your stomach to block food from getting in you is also awesome to have!
You still need to be able to get nutrients and you might even get to the point where even taking a sip of water is very uncomfortable so you will need to get a feeding tube. This is what I imagine having a penis is like, except it’s located in the side of your stomach and you can’t use it for sex. It might occasionally have issues like bleeding but don’t worry, this is just another step to get that body you want!
I hope you don’t enjoy flavors because after about a month you are going to miss eating with your mouth. You can occasionally attempt to eat with your mouth but due to your chemo treatments, once a week, your taste buds will be messed up and nothing will taste good. Oh radiation treatments 5 times a week is also going to be lots of fun! You get free “tattoos” and get to go in a machine that looks like something from a sci-fi movie. Don’t worry about the “tattoos” ruining your body; they are just small dots that aren’t noticeable.
But wait! There is more! Every model’s favorite pastime, puking! Even if you aren’t eating, except the mush stuff that is being fed into your feeding tube, you will still puke. More than once a day, every day, but don’t worry. You are just another step closer to that perfect weight!
Don’t plan on going out and hanging with friends, don’t even plan on going to the store for a quick minute because when you get there you are going to feel so sick and start vomiting even more and end up having to go home.
After a few months, when treatments are done you get to have surgery! The doctors will remove some unnecessary organs such as your esophagus and part of stomach. If you are lucky the cancer might even spread to other organs which will also be removed. In my case half of my diaphragm got removed. That’s ok though, just a few more pounds being removed! Don’t make any plans because you may get pneumonia and have to spend a month in the hospital. Prepare to show the world your “sexy body” by being naked during surgery, also when the nurses give you sponge baths! Woo! You are going to want to show off your body eventually so start practicing now!
Tired yet? Get over it! You aren’t done! You can finally go home; you might still have issues eating and will still need to use your feeding tube but you are getting closer to that body you want. Now that you don’t have an esophagus and your sphincter is gone you will need to be careful when you sleep. No laying down flat, get yourself a wedge or a bunch of pillows so you sleep at an angle. No more being on the bottom of a 69! Don’t want to take my advice? Go ahead and sleep on a flat surface but don’t get sick when you wake up with stomach acids in your throat and mouth.
After about eight months you should have lost at least 40 pounds by following my “diet plan”! If you are lucky you can lose more than that! Don’t give up! You are going to look super hawt af!
People are so worried about looks these days, I personally don’t care. When you go through what I went through your looks and trying to “impress” people is the least of your worries. I’ll go months without shaving; I don’t care if my eyebrows grow into a unibrow. Life is too short to worry about silly things. Do what you want to do, enjoy your life and stop trying to impress other people with looks or money or whatever people try and impress others with.
I know this isn’t a good way to lose weight; I just wanted to share my story and make a point. And remember, next time you want to complain because McDonalds put a pickle on your burger remember this, some people have real problems.