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The 15 Types Of People Who Review Sex Toys On Amazon

You might think people would be reluctant to review their most intimate purchases online. You would be wrong. Extremely NSFW for obvious reasons.

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1. The person who buys "tightening gel" for an alternate use.

2. The person who bought a rubber vagina for someone as a gift and got a bit too much positive feedback.

3. The person who describes using a rubber vagina as like "packing a sleeping bag into its carry bag".

4. The person who makes very unfortunate spelling mistakes.

5. The person who wastes no time getting to the point.

6. The person who's very unlucky.

7. The person who's a little bit too enthusiastic.

8. And the person who's not enthusiastic at all.

9. The person with an unhealthy imagination when it comes to sex dolls.

10. The person having a sex doll ethical crisis.

That whole review is worth quoting at length:

The thing is, the Gemz Fancy Dress Blow-Up that recently turned up on my doormat bears very little resemblance to the one in that product description, despite the fact that she is proudly wearing that moniker on her invoice. I have taken the liberty of adding my own 'Customer Image' to the mix, to show you precisely what I mean.

As you can see, the smooth skin, pert breasts and vaguely human-looking face that Amazon promised has been replaced, in my case, by a wrinkled, drunken inflatable, with a head not unlike one of the members of The Abominable Dr Phibes' clockwork band.

Worse though, far worse, is the discovery that my version has a hole at the front AND a hole at the back that join up in the middle... down 'there'.

Now, I'm not actually complaining about that last bit... which is undoubtedly even WORSE.

The thing is though, I only bought her in the first place to help me learn a few ballroom-dancing steps with the curtains closed of an evening, to prepare me for a cruise around the Canaries this winter - with my ex-wife. She and I have nothing at all in common these days and she obviously hates me enough to have wanted to accept my drunken and ridiculously expensive invitation. But, I thought I might surprise her by actually being of some use for once - and taking her out on the dance-floor to the cheers and applause of our fellow passengers.

I was even planning on eschewing my preferred fancy frocks and heels in favour of a tuxedo and some patent leather. Believe me, I was taking this seriously. Until I met this doll. Now, suddenly, the idea of 'taking [my former wife] out on the dance-floor to the cheers and applause of our fellow passengers' has taken on a whole new - and rather sinister - meaning.

Whether I will, in fact, end up practicing something more along the lines of a horizontal quickstep with this doll one of these lonely evenings remains to be seen (well, hopefully not - MUST remember to close those curtains). But, for the moment, the temptation to stick more than just an exploratory finger into, what was supposed to be, my ex-wife is so great that I have had to deflate this doll completely and put her safely away in a cupboard.

Shame that - because I WAS in the mood for dancing!

11. The person who likes to use disturbing extended metaphors when reviewing butt plugs.

12. The person who narrowly avoided hospitalisation.

13. The person who is probably going to get arrested.

14. The person who's looking for little bit more anal jiggle during their grocery shopping.

15. The person who hits you with an unexpected twist.

My wife and I are keen exhibitionists and love to have a little 'playtime' during our intimate drives out to the countryside. This product has added nothing but spice to our little drives.

Brilliant build quality and excellent durability. I cannot rate this product high enough for its designated purpose. However, the Double Dong proved itself as much more than a mere marital aid during last weeks family crisis.

Our daughter, Natalie, is a keen baton twirler and had been granted a chance to compete in the yearly regional competition.

Needless to say, we were very proud of her and made it a fun, family day to make the long drive to her contest.

The air of delight, pride and wonder was soon to be shattered however, as my beautiful daughter realized she had left her 12 inch regulation baton at home.

We were crushed...

It wasn't until half way into the contest, about to alert the Judges to our little mishap and step out of the contest, that my wife had a brainwave!

'You will perform!' we told our daughter.

She took to the stage to in magnificent grace with a familiar family friend twirling triumphantly.

The audience cried in wonder, awe and total emotional euphoria as Natalie jumped from the stage in the most energetic, magical performance ever seen!

The judges were now crying, the audience was masturbating furiously to the sound of the Scorpions classic, 'Rock you like a hurricane'.

The trophy and recognition our family received that day has saved our marriage!

Thank you Double Dong.

Thank you.