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99 Problems

I have compiled a list together of the five most problematic events that are experienced in relationships. Now these problematic events span across multiple types of relationships such as romantic relationships and roommate relationships. Along with the diverse selection of relationships, there is also a diverse selection of problems that are discussed. As I talk about these problems, I am going to describe why they are in the order they are, how they are aversive, what they look or sound like in relationships, and some tips on how combat, deal, or cope with these problematic events. This list will start with the least problematic and end with the most problematic event that is experienced in relationships.

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1. Not Following House Rules.

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As we are all coming to college, we are creating an unfamiliar type of relationship. That relationship is a roommate relationship. Most of us have probably never lived away from home before college and the only roommates that we had, if any, were family. With starting a new relationship like the roommate relationships, relationship rules need to be established. Whether you live in a dorm, apartment, or house, when living with roommates, "house rules" are established or a roommate agreement is created. Establishing these house rules creates a bond with your roommates stating that you will follow certain rules and won't break them. Those rules can be anywhere from refilling the toilet paper if you used the last of it, to making sure there are no dirty dishes in the sink. These rules are established to try and reduce conflict, as well as holding everyone to the same standards. When these rules are broken and the standards are not upheld, conflicts arise among roommates. Since these rules and standards are created together, when one disrespects them, it is like they are disrespecting their roommates as well. Whether breaking the house rules was intentional or not, or it was the first time or tenth, it still is an aversive behavior. The intentionality and frequency of breaking the house rules determines the severity or the aversive behavior. Due to the severity of the behavior being situational, I have placed this as the least problematic out of the five. Being situational, there are a lot of factors as to how sever the dark side behavior was such as how frequent are the house rules broken, what house rule was broke, and what were the intentions behind the act. Although this is a less problematic event, it is a common problem found throughout college relationships and it is good to know how to handle these problems. According to Audra and The First Apartment Team (2015), a good way to reduce these behaviors is through communication. "As in most situations, communication is always the best first step. When your roommate breaks a house rule, the first thing to do is to decide if the offense is really worth bringing up. If it’s a small thing, let it go. If it’s a big thing or a repeat offense, then we suggest sitting down with your roommate in a no-pressure environment and talking it out (over pizza or a lunch date together is a great way to reduce awkwardness and make it clear that it’s a conversation between friends)." By doing so, hopefully communicating the problem from the start will reduce any of these behaviors in the future and resolve any conflicts between roommates.

2. Cohabiting and a new dynamic.

When cohabiting, you are living together while in an intimate relationship, but you are not married. When doing so, the dynamic of your relationship changes and if one is not prepared, then conflicts and uncertainty arise. Being a part of a relationship is fun and exciting as you have a partner in life to experience everything with. When deciding to live with one another before you are married, things change. Before you were just spending the night at your partners place, or staying for a weekend, but you still had a place of your own. When cohabiting, you start to come together as one and share a lot of things and get rid of things, including the place of your own. As deciding what to keep and get rid of, compromises will be made on both side and during the cohabiting process; uncertainties may arise within a relationship as well. Some of the uncertainties may be about the seriousness of the relationship, where the relationship is headed, or the overall dynamic of the relationship. Other than figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of when cohabiting, you also have to think about the relationship as a whole and how living with one another may affect the relationship. According to Steuber, Priem, Scharp, and Thomas (2014), the top three relational uncertainties within cohabiting couples are relational sustainability, trust, and compatibility (p.113). As you and your partner start to move in together it is good to communicate about the relationship as a whole, where each of you stand, where you see this relationship going, if anywhere, and how you really feel about each other. When communicating during the beginning of the cohabiting process, this will hopefully eliminate any early uncertainties and help prevent any conflicts.

When cohabiting, you are living together while in an intimate relationship, but you are not married. When doing so, the dynamic of your relationship changes and if one is not prepared, then conflicts and uncertainty arise. Being a part of a relationship is fun and exciting as you have a partner in life to experience everything with. When deciding to live with one another before you are married, things change. Before you were just spending the night at your partners place, or staying for a weekend, but you still had a place of your own. When cohabiting, you start to come together as one and share a lot of things and get rid of things, including the place of your own. As deciding what to keep and get rid of, compromises will be made on both side and during the cohabiting process; uncertainties may arise within a relationship as well. Some of the uncertainties may be about the seriousness of the relationship, where the relationship is headed, or the overall dynamic of the relationship. Other than figuring out what clothes to keep and get rid of when cohabiting, you also have to think about the relationship as a whole and how living with one another may affect the relationship. According to Steuber, Priem, Scharp, and Thomas (2014), the top three relational uncertainties within cohabiting couples are relational sustainability, trust, and compatibility (p.113). As you and your partner start to move in together it is good to communicate about the relationship as a whole, where each of you stand, where you see this relationship going, if anywhere, and how you really feel about each other. When communicating during the beginning of the cohabiting process, this will hopefully eliminate any early uncertainties and help prevent any conflicts.

3. Getting bored in a relationship.

As time goes on in a relationship, there is the possibility of the effort put into the relationship being reduced, or one partner may simply get bored in the relationship. As novelty in a relationship diminishes, one may see the relationship as boring or not as fresh and exciting as it used to be. This poses a problem to the overall relationship. If one reduces the effort put into the relationship, then there is the chance of producing a one-sided relationship or termination of the relationship, which are two things no relationship wants to experience. The reason why this is listed as the third least problematic event that happens in relationships is because these feelings may lead to more severe outcomes compared to cohabiting and breaking house rules. As this is a problematic event that can arise in relationships, there are ways to combat it. First, it is good to understand that the thoughts and feelings of being bored in a relationship are inevitable, but how you act upon those thoughts and feelings influences the discourse of your relationship. According to Dawson (2016), there are some questions you need to ask yourself before you terminate the relationship and make any major changes. Dawson (2016), mentions that you should try and find the root of your boredom by asking why you are bored, what do you want to do about your feelings, and what some of the reasons behind you feeling bored in your relationship are. By answering those few questions, and finding the root of why you were bored, you will be able to combat any feelings of boredom that you have at the moment and finding the root of your boredom should help reduce the reoccurrence of those feelings.

4. Cheating

When deciding between the last two problematic events and which one was the more problematic, I had a hard time choosing one over the other, but in the end, I placed deception within relationships as more problematic over cheating in relationships. There are many reasons to the decision, but regardless these two dark side behaviors are two of the more severe behaviors that one can exhibit in a relationship. Cheating or infidelity is a major problematic event and has you questioning every little bit about your relationship and yourself. Depending on the length of the relationship and the actions made when cheating determine the severity of this aversive behavior, but either way, cheating is a very detrimental event to take place in a relationship. When one chooses to cheat in a relationship, they disregard all the promises made, trust that has been built, and the respect that has been earned. Other than affecting the individuals, cheating in a relationship affects the relationship in numerous ways as well. According to Dineen (2017), a major change that takes place is that the victim loses trust. This trust can be in their partner, relationships, love, or even life. When one cheats in a relationship, it affects the person mentally, emotionally, and physically. Since everyone is different, everyone handles these problematic events differently, but there is no simple way to handle this dark side behavior. Most of the time when someone does cheat in a relationship, the dynamic changes, feelings change and relationships may even be terminated. On the brighter side of this dark side behavior, according to the article, infidelity is often a big event that pushes troubled relationships into therapy, where they can learn how to communicate their thoughts, feelings, desires, and discuss an uneasy topics. Even though this may not be the most problematic event in my top five, this is still a major event that can have severe consequences on both the relationships and the individuals.

When deciding between the last two problematic events and which one was the more problematic, I had a hard time choosing one over the other, but in the end, I placed deception within relationships as more problematic over cheating in relationships. There are many reasons to the decision, but regardless these two dark side behaviors are two of the more severe behaviors that one can exhibit in a relationship. Cheating or infidelity is a major problematic event and has you questioning every little bit about your relationship and yourself. Depending on the length of the relationship and the actions made when cheating determine the severity of this aversive behavior, but either way, cheating is a very detrimental event to take place in a relationship. When one chooses to cheat in a relationship, they disregard all the promises made, trust that has been built, and the respect that has been earned. Other than affecting the individuals, cheating in a relationship affects the relationship in numerous ways as well. According to Dineen (2017), a major change that takes place is that the victim loses trust. This trust can be in their partner, relationships, love, or even life. When one cheats in a relationship, it affects the person mentally, emotionally, and physically. Since everyone is different, everyone handles these problematic events differently, but there is no simple way to handle this dark side behavior. Most of the time when someone does cheat in a relationship, the dynamic changes, feelings change and relationships may even be terminated. On the brighter side of this dark side behavior, according to the article, infidelity is often a big event that pushes troubled relationships into therapy, where they can learn how to communicate their thoughts, feelings, desires, and discuss an uneasy topics. Even though this may not be the most problematic event in my top five, this is still a major event that can have severe consequences on both the relationships and the individuals.

5. Deception

The number one most problematic event that takes place in relationships is deception. As there a numerous way of deception and numerous types of relationships it is exhibited in, deception is a very problematic event. Lies within relationships could be small white lies, or a major high-stakes lie. As these lies vary, so does the severity of these events, but the loss of trust within the relationship is a big reason why this is the most problematic event we experience in relationships. If you are able to successfully deceive someone, you are withholding the truth from them altering their reality. In a co-worker relationship, if someone lies or conceals some person information about their weekend activities, there is not as much harm done compared to when one partner lies to another about losing 5,000 dollars at the casino. The differences in lies may change the severity of the consequences, but it does not take away from the aversiveness of the behavior. Willingly withholding the complete truth from an individual is the most problematic event as it diminishes trust between individuals. According to “What Typically Happen When Deception Gets Discovered?”, when a partner finds out about deceptions, it destroys trust in the relationship and leads the individual to question everything such as the important values and beliefs. Finding out that you have been deceived by a love one leads you to wonder about every aspect of the relationship and if it is the truth or not. Another big reason as to why this is the most problematic event in relationships is because it can happen across the board. In every relationship, deception can occur and you will most likely experience deception in every type of relationship. Cheating really only occurs in intimate relationships as well as getting bored in relationships and cohabiting. The breaking of house rules only applies to roommate relationships, whether they are intimate or not. Deception causes individuals to not see reality the way it really is and in my eyes, deceiving an individual, especially one you have a close bond with, is the worst dark side behavior one can exhibit.

The number one most problematic event that takes place in relationships is deception. As there a numerous way of deception and numerous types of relationships it is exhibited in, deception is a very problematic event. Lies within relationships could be small white lies, or a major high-stakes lie. As these lies vary, so does the severity of these events, but the loss of trust within the relationship is a big reason why this is the most problematic event we experience in relationships. If you are able to successfully deceive someone, you are withholding the truth from them altering their reality. In a co-worker relationship, if someone lies or conceals some person information about their weekend activities, there is not as much harm done compared to when one partner lies to another about losing 5,000 dollars at the casino. The differences in lies may change the severity of the consequences, but it does not take away from the aversiveness of the behavior. Willingly withholding the complete truth from an individual is the most problematic event as it diminishes trust between individuals. According to “What Typically Happen When Deception Gets Discovered?”, when a partner finds out about deceptions, it destroys trust in the relationship and leads the individual to question everything such as the important values and beliefs. Finding out that you have been deceived by a love one leads you to wonder about every aspect of the relationship and if it is the truth or not. Another big reason as to why this is the most problematic event in relationships is because it can happen across the board. In every relationship, deception can occur and you will most likely experience deception in every type of relationship. Cheating really only occurs in intimate relationships as well as getting bored in relationships and cohabiting. The breaking of house rules only applies to roommate relationships, whether they are intimate or not. Deception causes individuals to not see reality the way it really is and in my eyes, deceiving an individual, especially one you have a close bond with, is the worst dark side behavior one can exhibit.

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