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When you gotta go, you gotta go.
"Great. I'm already awkward and everyone is using the bathroom right now. Can't wait to be judged for the effects of eating my feelings through four rounds of fro-yo."
"While you're in there, do you mind giving us a stool sample?"
"Who is going to leave the stall first? Me or the coworker who just coughed his way through every fart noise?"
"Where the hell am I supposed to put my cart full of the Flamin' Hot Cheetos, fried chicken and brie that caused this in the first place?"
"With these small budgets, the toilet paper has been replaced with the papier-mâché from art class."
"Acela Express Train? More like Big Thunder Mountain Railroad when I'm sitting here and holding on to these shaking walls."
"Am I really going to have find a tree star from The Land Before Time to wipe my ass?"
"Do not move your foot one inch to the right. You don't really know what that is and you probably don't want to know."
"Pardon me as I casually excuse myself and pray that you think I'm not weak and/or suffering from diarrhea."
"So will the IHOP or Cracker Barrel have a nicer bathroom?"
"This is the only time a Carnival cruise sounds like an appealing alternative. Sharks are only attracted to blood, right?"
"I can't believe I'm shitting directly onto a pile of other peoples' shit."
"My cheeks are not touching this seat. At least Oasis will drown out any noises I'll make."
"If I stay in here too long, he/she is going to know exactly what I'm doing. What can I use to mask this smell? Please don't plop, please don't plop, please don't plop."
"How many people are waiting to use the bathroom? Do they know what I'm doing? What if there is turbulence? What if I have to get up from my window seat and go back again? This is the worst day of my life."