86 Thoughts Everyone Has At Catholic Mass

“Does everyone rest their butt on the pew while kneeling?”

1. OK, let’s do this. *walks in to the cathedral*
2. Holy water! Does everyone get as excited about holy water as I do?
3. Why isn’t there more holy water in other places?
4. What exactly is holy water?
5. Whatever is in the water pipes at my house is definitely not holy…

6. Finding the right pew can be so unintentionally political.
7. Do I want to avoid the crying babies?
8. Definitely never sit in the middle of a pew because it will take an eternity to get out.
9. Bless me if I ever need to go to the bathroom…
10. Everyone will sneer if they have to stand up to let me pass.
11. Finding a good bench is tough when everyone always gets here so early.

12. ::Looks up at ceiling::
13. I’m sorry that I’m late, geez. I’m here, aren’t I, God?
14. Oh, god. I hope Jesus can’t read my mind right now.
15. If my mom could hear me right now, she would not be happy I keep saying, “Oh God.”

Getty Images/Dan Kitwood

16. Did I remember to take out cash for the collection plate?!?!
17. DAYUM, I can’t believe I forgot.
18. Shoot, I shouldn’t be cussing at mass.
19. Oh, god. *gasp* I hope no one heard that. ::Looks around::
20. EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. The world won’t collapse over a couple dollars.
21. *centers self*
22. *Forgive me, Father* *I know not what I do*
23. That’s totes my life proverb for sure.

Getty Images

::People stumble in late to sit in the first row::

24. Who even sits in the first row, tho?
25. Maybe it makes them feel closer to God.
26. Oh, great, these people who are LATE brought a crying baby.
27. Why do you bring your crying children to mass?
28. THEY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND LANGUAGE YET.
29. HOW CAN THEY EVEN COMPREHEND RELIGION?
30. OK, ok. Sorry. ~bad thoughts~

31. I always forget that I will be holding hands with the person next to me at some point during this.
32. What if that happened in other contexts.
33. Like, in line at the grocery store, or at the gas station.
34. Ew.
35. I always get stuck with a stranger who squeezes my hand for a little too long.

36. Oh, shoot, everyone is already standing.
37. Now they are kneeling.
38. My legs hurt from standing.
39. OK, so this is the point where I should reflect on life….
40. …but I’m really hungry.
41. I should’ve had breakfast, but I was in such a rush.
42. Someone told me there’s a really good restaurant a couple blocks away.
43. I might Yelp it.
44. But not while i’m inside, geez. I’m not that bad.
45. Looking at my phone during mass would be really bad…
46. …I’m just going to sneak a look…
47. Shoot, agh, I lost focus again.
48. Must regain composure.
49. I hope God doesn’t listen to my inner monologues.

50. I wonder if the priest ever gets tired of doing this.
51. What if he had become a fireman, or something?
52. Does everyone have these hymns memorized?
53. Am I ~bad~ for not memorizing them?
54. I wonder if everyone is actually just mumbling along…

55. Is there something morally wrong with me if i don’t stand or kneel every time?
56. Is everyone just resting their butt on the bench?
57. Getting in line for communion can also be weirdly political.
58. Some people do it but then others just sit there and stare at the line.
59. Everyone in line always looks so reflective and serious.
60. I was always was so jealous of everyone who could do this before I did my first communion.
61. But I realize as an adult that it’s not really that big of a deal.
62. The wafer just tastes like… wheat… not anything crazy.
63. It’s also kinda confusing to have to either open your mouth or move your tongue.
64. I AM NEVER SURE AND IT’S AWKWARD.

65. Should I just go for it and get in line?
66. I’m just going to go for it.
67. Hmm *twiddling thumbs*
68. This is taking f o r e v e r.
69. Ah, now there’s two lines. Better.
70. It’s finally my turn! yay.

71. Hmm, holding hands with strangers makes me so conscious of hand sweat.
72. Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to be praying, not thinking about hand sweat.
73. Geez, get your head in the game, kid.
74. It’s just hard to focus sometimes…
75. Especially with all of these crazy geometric cathedral windows.
76. Who even makes cathedral windows?
77. Oh, shit, everyone is repeating something but I lost track of where they are.
78. Shoot… ::mumbles gibberish::

John Moore / Getty Images

79. Making the sign of the peace at the end always makes me nervous.
80. I don’t know where their hands have been …
81. Also, it’s so weird when strangers try to hug you instead of shaking your hand.
82. Just shake my hand and say your peace and go, ya know?
83. I *always* unintentionally look at the confessional before I leave.
84. Confession as a child seems like a cool adult novelty.
85. As an adult, it gives you the goosebumps.
86. Oh, well, I’ll just do that next time…

::everyone rushes out at the same time with the force of rush hour traffic::

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