Top Ten Sex Acts Now Banned In The UK - In Monumental Pictures

Ten gratuitously graphical representations of the sex acts recently banned from UK porn. Sure to have landmark ramifications for all.

10. Facesitting on the Loch Ness Monster

Jenna Grimm

This one is particularly unfair.

With the ban on facesitting, there's now a best seat in the house which you're not allowed to even sit on!

So if you manage to find the Loch Ness Monster and ride him reverse cowgirl style, which we all know is the only way to ride a monster, make sure you don't accidentally sit on his face. No no no!

9. Spanking the Crown Jewels

Jenna Grimm

Who doesn't enjoy giving their own 'Crown Jewels' the old hundred hand spank?

Light, hard or intensely pleasurable it's no longer allowed.

Hands where I can see 'em!

8. Aggressive whipping at Big Ben

Jenna Grimm

Aggressive whipping is out :(

Meaning old school flogging has failed the test.

Which leaves the under-ravished Big Ben with not one but four very sad faces.

7. Fisting at Buckingham Palace

Jenna Grimm

Fisting is banned, even in the royal halls.

So no more knuckle-driven pleasure, or quick games of hide the digits.

Even for the those acquainted with proper red carpet treatment in the glittering halls of Buckingham Palace.

6. Female Ejaculation at Stonehenge

Jenna Grimm

The ancient rock formations of Stonehenge are all sorts of inspiring.

Many are so taken with them that they just shout it out loud.

However, for the girls, no matter how excited you get...

Make sure you don't ejaculate loudly.

Even if it is just to shout, "Free the Porn!"

5. Water Sports at the London Bridge

Jenna Grimm

No more getting each other wet and playing with their balls for these two strapping young men!

The London Bridge is indeed falling down.

Out of boredom, because there will be nothing happening in the Thames anytime soon.

As water sports (otherwise known as 'urolagnia') have been banned.

4. Strangulation at Tyburn

Jenna Grimm

Capital punishment has been banned in the UK for ages, thank the porn.

Even at Tyburn - for centuries the dead centre of deadly activities.

Especially popular was hanging around and from the Tyburn Tree.

Don't get any ideas though as all strangulation is out, even the safe-word, stay-at-home, DIY type.

Definitely no photos - please!

3. Physical or Verbal Abuse at Westminster Abbey

Jenna Grimm

I'll tell you what's right up nobody's alley anymore?

Physical or verbal abuse that's what.

Especially if you're planning on making it sexy and for sale.

Does that mean there'll be no more 'no pants Fridays' confessions at Westminster Abbey?

Nelson finds that hilarious, but that's verbal abuse Nelson. So you need to stop that.

2. Caning at the Houses of Parliament

Jenna Grimm

The UK Politicians who banned these sex acts certainly deserve a caning.

They've been some very naughty boys and girls, and need to be punished.

Which is still allowed, as long as you don't hit record and sell it for the pleasure of others.

Such a pity, as it'd be far more fun to watch than all those boring speeches.

1. Penetrating the London Eye

Jenna Grimm

The London Eye can be lit up all sorts of different colours. Even brown.

With this ban, however, no more objects associated with violence can be inserted into it, and it matters not that you might have the best of intentions.

Which means no more putting anything nasty in London's Brown Eye.