7 Survival Tips For New York In The Summertime

Planning a summer soiree in the Big Apple, or plan to move there soon? These should help you navigate the streets in the heat.

1. Take advantage of the government.

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Along with the many water fountains in parks all across the City, the Department of Environmental Protection provides extra stations for you to fill up a bottle. The locations may be few and far between, but they'll help you get from point A to point B.

2. Jump in a hydrant.

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Fire departments will provide you a spray cap if you ask them for one. This will make it okay for you to crack open that hydrant and make a sprinkler of it. Go ahead. Jump in. You're wearing a suit? You're going to work? Great. Jump in.

3. Hog the A/C.

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It may cost you a pretty penny, but if you have an air conditioner, strip down and crank that motherfucker up to eleven.

It doesn't even have to be in your own home. Try your office, a restaurant, or a modern train car. No one will judge you for it. This is New York, after all.

4. MISTER SOFTEE.

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Mister. Fucking. Softee.

Silence. Desolation. Heat. Are you in Hell? No. Hell doesn't grade their restaurants.

But then — from out of the white, hot light — you hear the song. Da diddly diddly ding-a-ding... da ding-a ding-a ding dong...

You run towards it. You fall. You scrape your skin against the sidewalk as you crawl toward that vessel of goodness. You reach out, your last ounce of strength leaving you... and just before you black out, an angel places something cool in your hand. It feels good. It feels so good.

You look up. In your hand is a large chocolate shake.

Mister Softee. Because fuck your hot vibes, bro.

5. Seek refuge in a bodega.

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And hey, you won't even have to leave, so long as you slip the owner a little something extra on top of all of those Code Red Mountain Dews.

6. Public beaches! They're free!

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They're a train ride away, and you may have to set up camp by the Ferris wheel, but once you dive into that ocean, oh. Ohhhh my. You won't even mind swimming on top of the bones of some long-forgotten chumps.

(At least I'm sure that gangsters threw people into the ocean. Wasn't Coney Island famous for that? Maybe not the Rockaways, but... never mind. Anyway, the ocean. Cold. Wet. Good.)

7. Just pray.

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"God give me the serenity to accept the weather I cannot change,

courage to change back into clothes — at all —

and wisdom to not get into the empty subway car.

Amen."