Regardless of what parents, career guides, and your college advisors may tell you, taking a break after college is suicide. Sure, it would be nice to go and travel, or relax at home on your parents’ dimes. But as I’ll state here, it might not be wise to dawdle while your job opportunities linger just out of your reach.
1. As I said, job opportunities linger just out of your reach. You’ve got your degree. Why not take full advantage of it?
2. Chances are that you’re qualified for whichever job you’re applying to. Make sure those assholes in HR don’t throw away your résumé!
3. If the assholes in HR do throw away your résumé, don’t get dejected. Keep applying.
4. You’re too smart not to be showing off your talents. And don’t say that you don’t have any. Because you do, you talented little graduate, you.
5. Okay, so maybe you don’t have any talents. That’s okay. Use your time to grow one!
6. Growing a talent is a lot like gardening: Patience and hard work. Trust me. You’ll have some nice rutabagas when you’re through.
7. Using your time to foster a talent or skill will help your chances at landing a job much more than a trip to China or Miami. (That is, unless you’re learning Chinese or drawing babes on the beach, which I assume you’re not doing.)
8. And hey! Even if your talent doesn’t land you a job, you’ll still have something that will last you the rest of your life.
9. Look. While you’re out there dilly-dallying, someone else is getting their foot in the door.
10. No, really. Look right now. See that foot in the door? That is not your foot. That is someone else’s foot, and it could have been yours.
11. There are thousands of young people out there — myself included — ready to get jobs. Do you want to be at the back of the line when it comes time to apply?
12. Also, look at me. LOOK AT ME. Are you really going to let me take the job you could have snagged?
I didn’t think so. Let’s move on.
13. According to recent numbers by CNBC, unemployment is starting to look a little cheerier. So why not run for that job?
14. Oh wait! According to this other article from CNBC, the employment picture for recent graduates is looking pretty bleak. But that means there are still a few entry-level jobs open! So why not run for that job?
15. And hold on! That same article says that employers are planning to hire 2.1 percent more recent graduates than they did last year! So why not run for that job?
16. What I’m saying here is: Why aren’t you running for that job?
Run, you unemployed alums! Run!
17. I get it. I know that you want to relax. So do I. But why not believe in the power of motivation?
18. You get your butt out of bed, put away that handle of tequila, and start applying for those jobs. You will feel better about yourself. Trust me!
19. And hey! Even if you don’t hear back from the companies for weeks upon weeks, you’ll know that you took the first step in shaping your future. (Even if that future is sad, lonely, and full of half-finished Cups-O-Noodles. Sigh.)
20. But if you do land that job — and you will! I believe in you! — then you’ll earn money, and be productive, and make friends of your co-workers, and finally know what it’s like to be a real adult in the work force!
(Warning: The above is not an accurate representation of what it feels like to be an adult in the work force.)
21. Getting through college was the easy part. And it probably wasn’t easy. You probably had to pay your way. You probably almost failed your classes. You probably didn’t know what you were doing half of the time. And now you feel like — hey — “after four years of grueling toil, I deserve a break.”
22. But now there’s this thing called life. This is the real world everyone’s been talking about. And unlike what you might think, it’s not waiting for you.
So get to work.
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