1. Day 1: Appear on the cover of the Daily News.
2. Brace yourself for the oncoming media shitshow.
3. Tweet a statement via TwitLonger; forget about those pesky ads but decide that they don’t take away from the seriousness of your message.
4. Day 2: Show up to court.
5. Don’t get mad when your hubby smacks a photographer — he was just in the way!
6. And try not to look to pleased by the media attention.
7. Later in the day, visit someone at the hospital. Make sure to carry one of your kids — even if they’re too large to really do it anymore. You’re so supportive!
9. But don’t say anything else! Let the people speculate.
10. OK, sure: you can retweet some well-wishes. The people love you!
11. Day 4: Put Joe back to work at the construction yard. We’re a hard-working family!
12. Discreetly retweet someone who posted a photo of you accepting an award from the night before so that people don’t think you’re TOO excited about winning a beauty award.
14. And then throw caution to the wind and go to the Hamptons.
15. Relax and take your mind off all of those pesky goverment issues in said Hamptons.
16. Day 5: Retweet more people who are defending you.
17. Tweet lots and lots of photos of your idyllic family on vacation.
18. Don’t forget to remind people of some of your best assets in a subtle way.
20. Don’t feel weird about reminding people about what’s at stake, i.e. YOUR FAMILY.*
- Which is thick as thieves, by the way.