• 1. Britney Spears

    The original Great American Tragedy: she dropped the accent and the pink wig, but she’s under parental surveillance, her tour’s a mess, and she’s still in love with Justin. America, look what you’ve done.

  • 2. Lindsay Lohan

    It’s just infuriating at this point. Eat something. Stay at home. Avoid fake tans. Come on, LiLo, help a fanbase out.

  • 3. Pete Doherty

    The English-speaking world’s favorite male crackhead is considerate enough to check in on his local London police station at least once a month. How he manages to keep it up for the various supermodels he beds is something of a scientific mystery.

  • 4. Amy Winehouse

    Amy would be the English-speaking world’s favorite female crackhead. These days she’s more of a plain drunk, but she managed to get hauled into court within 3 days of her return to the UK, so. Potato potahto.

  • 5. Courtney Love

    She has a fair number of legitimate excuses, but the colorful blogging and dramatic weight loss don’t really paint a picture of someone who is “dealing” well.

  • 6. Joaquin Phoenix

    Ok, buddy, rap career or no, the bloating, facial hair, spaciness, and assaults on random fans are starting to grate.

  • 7. Drew Barrymore

    What. Are. You. Wearing?

  • 8. Mickey Rourke

    No really, what are you wearing?

  • 9. Paula Abdul

    Paula is a Mess of Hope, of Joy, of the Mysteries of Painkillers. Really though, as long as she is safe, maybe don’t clean her up, because American Idol is a hoot.

  • 10. Mischa Barton

    Poor Marissa Cooper; your mom is a porno and the next thing you know you’re dead on a mountaintop (she died on a mountaintop, right?) and you can’t get another decent job to save your life.