Top 35 Reasons Attacking Syria Will Bum You Out

Jon Stewart said Vladimir Putin should have placed his Syria op-ed on BuzzFeed. Here’s what that would look like.

1. Hi guys, I want to talk to you about Syria.

Maxim Shemetov / Reuters
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2. As nations, we’ve gone through good times and bad times.

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3. The best times were in 1945, when we defeated the Nazis together.

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4. After WWII, the U.N. was created — I love the U.N. I have so much power there.

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5. So, Syria.

Stringer / Reuters
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6. No one wants you guys to strike Syria — not even the pope.

War never again! Never again war!

— Pope Francis (@Pontifex)

Pope Francis


War never again! Never again war!

/ Via
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7. A strike would unleash violence around the region.

Hussein Malla / AP
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8. No one in Syria really wants democracy.

Stringer / Reuters
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9. There is literally no one in Syria except al-Qaeda.

Umit Bektas / Reuters
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10. It’s a horrible war that you guys made. Stop sending the rebels weapons.

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11. (I don’t want to talk about how I’m sending weapons to Assad, so move on.)

Sana Sana / Reuters
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12. Militants are streaming into the country — even Russian ones.

Stringer / Reuters
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13. I have always wanted to find peace through compromise.

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14. Please don’t mention the fact that we constantly blocked previous attempts to deal with the issue in the U.N. Just don’t.

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP
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15. This isn’t about protecting Assad. It’s about upholding international law.

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16. We love law.

Dmitry Lovetsky / AP
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17. Force is only acceptable if used in self-defense or if approved by the U.N. Security Council.

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP
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18. That time we intervened in the conflict between Georgia and South Ossetia in 2008? Also don’t mention that.

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19. Look, everyone knows there was a poison gas attack.

SANA, File / AP
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20. But it was the rebels! They wanted to provoke you guys into action.

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21. Now they’re getting ready to attack Israel!

Sergei Karpukhin / Reuters
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22. Please STOP mentioning all the reasons people — including, reportedly, the U.N. — think Assad carried it out. Just stop.

Mikhail Voskresenskiy / Reuters
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23. America, stop intervening in conflicts abroad.

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24. Force will get you nowhere.

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25. (Except in Chechnya.)

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26. A strike on Syria would kill civilians, you guys.

Pascal Le Segretain / Getty Images

People mourn at the casket of Elizabeth Starkov, 16, during a her funeral and the funeral of her father on Oct. 30, 2002, in Moscow, Russia. Both were killed during the release of a reportedly opium-based gas by Russian special forces to break a siege of a Moscow theater by Chechen terrorists. More than 115 of the over 750 people held in the theater people have died as a result of the gas.

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27. All your threats? They’re only encouraging countries to get WMD.

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28. We must stop using the language of force.

Sergei Karpukhin / Reuters
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29. Luckily, we came up with an idea!

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP
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30. Even though we think it was the rebels who carried out that chemical attack, we’re going to help put Assad’s chemical weapons under international control!

Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool / AP
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31. Obama is cool with this idea.

Gary Cameron / Reuters
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32. Obama and I like each other. I swear.

Kevin Lamarque / Reuters
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33. But that speech he gave the other night was…ridiculous.

RIA Novosti, Alexei Druzhinin, POOL, File / AP
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34. American exceptionalism?

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35. Time for Russian exceptionalism!

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*Parody account. Inspired by:

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36. Here’s the whole clip:

View this embed ›

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