1. Hi guys, I want to talk to you about Syria.
2. As nations, we’ve gone through good times and bad times.
3. The best times were in 1945, when we defeated the Nazis together.
4. After WWII, the U.N. was created — I love the U.N. I have so much power there.
5. So, Syria.
6. No one wants you guys to strike Syria — not even the pope.
War never again! Never again war!
7. A strike would unleash violence around the region.
8. No one in Syria really wants democracy.
9. There is literally no one in Syria except al-Qaeda.
10. It’s a horrible war that you guys made. Stop sending the rebels weapons.
11. (I don’t want to talk about how I’m sending weapons to Assad, so move on.)
12. Militants are streaming into the country — even Russian ones.
13. I have always wanted to find peace through compromise.
14. Please don’t mention the fact that we constantly blocked previous attempts to deal with the issue in the U.N. Just don’t.
15. This isn’t about protecting Assad. It’s about upholding international law.
16. We love law.
17. Force is only acceptable if used in self-defense or if approved by the U.N. Security Council.
18. That time we intervened in the conflict between Georgia and South Ossetia in 2008? Also don’t mention that.
19. Look, everyone knows there was a poison gas attack.
20. But it was the rebels! They wanted to provoke you guys into action.
21. Now they’re getting ready to attack Israel!
22. Please STOP mentioning all the reasons people — including, reportedly, the U.N. — think Assad carried it out. Just stop.
23. America, stop intervening in conflicts abroad.
24. Force will get you nowhere.
25. (Except in Chechnya.)
26. A strike on Syria would kill civilians, you guys.
People mourn at the casket of Elizabeth Starkov, 16, during a her funeral and the funeral of her father on Oct. 30, 2002, in Moscow, Russia. Both were killed during the release of a reportedly opium-based gas by Russian special forces to break a siege of a Moscow theater by Chechen terrorists. More than 115 of the over 750 people held in the theater people have died as a result of the gas.
27. All your threats? They’re only encouraging countries to get WMD.
28. We must stop using the language of force.
29. Luckily, we came up with an idea!
30. Even though we think it was the rebels who carried out that chemical attack, we’re going to help put Assad’s chemical weapons under international control!
31. Obama is cool with this idea.
32. Obama and I like each other. I swear.
33. But that speech he gave the other night was…ridiculous.
34. American exceptionalism?
35. Time for Russian exceptionalism!
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