• Thankfully, most of us have friends with us to tell us that our bad ideas sound way saner in our heads than out loud (you were right Maggie, a plexiglass aquarium car would never have worked out). But, courtesy of the fact that patents are public domain, here’s a brief tour through 69 amazing(ly awful) ideas that should never have made it this far.

  • 1. Rotating Ice-Cream Cone

    1. Rotating Ice-Cream Cone

    Source

  • 2. Doll Urn

    2. Doll Urn

    Yes, you read that correctly. Source

  • 3. Shoe-Powered Neck Massager

    3. Shoe-Powered Neck Massager

    Source

  • 4. Hammock Pants

    4. Hammock Pants

    These seem ingenious. It’s a pair of pants that converts to a hammock. How? I’m not sure. And wouldn’t that leave there wearer of these pants a bit exposed? Source

  • 5. Gerbil Vest

    5. Gerbil Vest

    Take your furry friends with you everywhere. Source

  • 6. Mouth Exerciser

    6. Mouth Exerciser

    Source

  • 7. Dieting Mask

    7. Dieting Mask

    To help you stop eating and scare everyone. Source

  • 8. Thumbsucking Inhibitor

    8. Thumbsucking Inhibitor

    It has steel spikes. Source

  • 9. Hunting Camouflage

    9. Hunting Camouflage

    The birds with never see this hunter creeping towards them. Source

  • 10. Flying Device

    10. Flying Device

    Source

  • 11. The Human Bike

    11. The Human Bike

    This looks safe. Source

  • 12. Instant Snowman

    12. Instant Snowman

    This is actually cool in theory (no pun intended?). The coils radiate cold air, causing the hot air around them to condense into the shape of a snowman. Source

  • 13. Heated Sunglasses

    13. Heated Sunglasses

    Whyyyyy? Source

  • 14. Snake Collar and Leesh

    14. Snake Collar and Leesh

    Source

  • 15. Bird Diaper

    15. Bird Diaper

    Source

  • 16. Burglar Trap Door

    16. Burglar Trap Door

    Straight out of an episode of Scooby-Doo. Source

  • 17. Automatic Tipping Hat

    17. Automatic Tipping Hat

    For the ultimate 1860’s gentlemen. Source

  • 18. Dimple Producing Device

    18. Dimple Producing Device

    Source

  • 19. Combination Grocer’s Package, Cheese Grater, Slicer, Mouse and Fly Trap

    19. Combination Grocer's Package, Cheese Grater, Slicer, Mouse and Fly Trap

    Source

  • 20. Sheep Protector

    20. Sheep Protector

    Source

  • 21. Cigarette Ring

    21. Cigarette Ring

    Source

  • 22. Scalp Cooling Device

    22. Scalp Cooling Device

    Would be SO USEFUL TODAY. Manhattan, amirite? Source

  • 23. Life Saving Apparatus

    23. Life Saving Apparatus

    Source

  • 24. Bedwetting Assistance Owl

    24. Bedwetting Assistance Owl

    How this owl prevents children from wetting the bed, I have no idea. Source

  • 25. Give Yourself A Pat On The Back

    25. Give Yourself A Pat On The Back

    Source

  • 26. Shark Protection Suit

    26. Shark Protection Suit

    Source

  • 27. Gas Powered Pogo Stick

    27. Gas Powered Pogo Stick

    Source

  • 28. Indoor Surfing Machine

    28. Indoor Surfing Machine

    Source

  • 29. Inverted Mask

    29. Inverted Mask

    The stuff of nightmares. Source

  • 30. Doggy Dust Cover

    30. Doggy Dust Cover

    Source

  • 31. Human Car Wash

    31. Human Car Wash

    Source

  • 32. TV Controller

    32. TV Controller

    Now you don’t need to get up to change the television channel? Imagine that! This was patented in 1979 and I’m pretty sure the remote control was already a staple in American households. Source

  • 33. Moose Shades

    33. Moose Shades

    WANT. Source

  • 34. Old Person Scented Doll

    34. Old Person Scented Doll

    Source

  • 35. Anti-Attack Guard For Women

    35. Anti-Attack Guard For Women

    Not sure why it is patented specifically for women, but whenever a woman goes out to the supermarket or park she can now carry a capsule full of citric acid in her mouth, ready at all times to spit the contents of the capsule into the eyes of an attacker. Source

  • 36. Electric Tissue

    36. Electric Tissue

    Somehow, I feel like using a normal tissue is a lot easier than whipping out this machine. Source

  • 37. Giant Soup Bowl

    37. Giant Soup Bowl

    With sound effects, plastic meat balls and a fog machine. Source

  • 38. Soap Slide

    38. Soap Slide

    Who knew playing with a bar of soap could be so fun? Source

  • 39. The Fart Filter

    39. The Fart Filter

    It sticks to the inside of your underwear. Source

  • 40. Horse-Powered Car

    40. Horse-Powered Car

    The horse walks on a treadmill in the car, thus powering the car. Source

  • 41. The Question-Comma and Exclamation-Comma

    41. The Question-Comma and Exclamation-Comma

    New punctuation! For those times when you feel like saying: What are we having for dinner? & That party was pretty fun. Source

  • 42. Poodle Ear Protectors

    42. Poodle Ear Protectors

    Source

  • 43. Inception Boxer-Briefs

    43. Inception Boxer-Briefs

    For the guy who likes to wear briefs but feels it is more socially acceptable to wear boxers. Source

  • 44. Helium Sun Shade

    44. Helium Sun Shade

    Source

  • 45. Dance Helper

    45. Dance Helper

    Stop flailing on the dance floor and get one of these. It tracks your movements and beeps/flashes/shocks you when your limbs move out of its acceptable range. Source

  • 46. Beer Can Hat 2.0

    46. Beer Can Hat 2.0

    Next time you go to a sporting event, be sure to bring one of these and get drunk in style. Source

  • 47. The Cereal Monster

    47. The Cereal Monster

    I would actually fund this patent. It is a monster made out of cereal and ready to eat (just add milk!). Awesome, awesome, awesome breakfasts forever. Source

  • 48. Toilet Breather

    48. Toilet Breather

    When no oxygen can be found in your house/hotel room/motel room, simply grab one of these and breathe in the sweet air trapped in your plumbing system. Source

  • 49. The Useless Forkstick

    49. The Useless Forkstick

    For people who can’t use chopsticks but like holding them? Source

  • 50. Stylin’ Split Pants

    50. Stylin' Split Pants

    These unzip down the center and enable the wearer to mix and match different pant leg designs. Source

  • 51. Toe Puppets

    51. Toe Puppets

  • 52. Heated Ice Cream Scoop

    52. Heated Ice Cream Scoop

    Don’t you just want to take a lighter to that pint of Ice-Cream frozen too hard to scoop? This probably looked a lot better in this inventor’s head than it does on paper. Source

  • 53. Killer Bee Protector

    53. Killer Bee Protector

    Source

  • 54. Angel Ears

    54. Angel Ears

    Hipsters, this could become a thing. Buy up the prototypes! Source

  • 55. Arm Mitten

    55. Arm Mitten

    For when you want to drive with your hand out of the window but it’s too cold. This is the sad hipster arm scarf of the late 1980’s. Source

  • 56. Baby Cage

    56. Baby Cage

    Source

  • 57. Beach Boot

    57. Beach Boot

    Walking on sand won’t suck as much with these boots! Source

  • 58. BeerBrella

    58. BeerBrella

    Source

  • 59. Bird-Powered Blimp

    59. Bird-Powered Blimp

    I’ll cut this inventor some slack; It was patented in 1887. Source

  • 60. Bunny Syringe

    60. Bunny Syringe

    Well, your child’s fear of needles was temporarily cured, but don’t say I didn’t warn you the next time you try to take him to the bunny pen at the petting zoo. Source

  • 61. Cleavage Pants

    61. Cleavage Pants

    should have never been an idea in the first place. Source

  • 62. Toasty Tent

    62. Toasty Tent

    aka Instant Wildfire. Source

  • 63. Deer Ears Hearing Aid

    63. Deer Ears Hearing Aid

    Source

  • 64. Floating Furniture

    64. Floating Furniture

    Bed+Helium=More floor space! Yes! Source

  • 65. Hurricane Safety Bed

    65. Hurricane Safety Bed

    I’m pretty sure this bed-with-human-sized-compartment-idea was featured in an episode of Criminal Minds. Source

  • 66. Nightmare Gloves

    66. Nightmare Gloves

    It’s cold outside and you want to wear gloves, but you just got this amazing manicure. What’s a girl to do? Source

  • 67. Pantyhose x3

    67. Pantyhose x3

    If the leg of your tights gets a rip or run, fold it into the convenient side pocket and pull out another replacement leg. Source

  • 68. Life Watch

    68. Life Watch

    The most depressing invention ever. Source

  • 69. Instant Face Lift

    69. Instant Face Lift

    Source