1. Get Him a Tattoo
This poor pup is so ashamed he can barely bring himself to look at the camera. If he had his way, that top tattoo would be heavily edited.
2. Sign Him Up For a Yoga Class
The dog in the left hand corner has clearly died of boredom. These people probably buy organic, all-vegan treats too.
3. Get Him a Dogbrella
Everyone knows that dogs hate getting wet and muddy. Clearly, a dogbrella is the only sensible solution.
4. Order Him a Sex Toy
If you weren’t already grossed out enough, the Doggie Lover Doll comes complete with a silicone vagina, an easy to clean reservoir, and a tube of lubricant. Because if there’s one thing horny dogs need, it’s lubricant.
5. Put Him in a Silly Costume
You could have picked the Rambo outfit or the Batman costume, but when you take away a dog’s dignity it’s important to ensure that every last shred is gone.
6. Put Both of You in Silly Matching Costumes
I’m no dog whisperer, but I’m pretty sure this guy is saying, ‘Kill me now.’
7. Push Him Around Like a Baby
If looks could kill, these owners would be dead and buried by now.
8. Buy Him a High Chair
Speaking of treating dogs like babies… Did you know there are numerous cures for infertility now, madam?
9. Spray Him With Canine Cologne
Does your dog have a hot date at the park? Completely ruin his chances by blitzing him with goat milk pet cologne.
10. Buy Him a Butt Cover
Heaven forbid your dog lick his butt in public. That would be really embarrassing.
11. Get Him Some Fake Testicles
First you chop off your dog’s balls and then you replace them with a pair of prosthetics and expect him not to notice the difference? Yeah, try that shit with your boyfriend and see how well it goes down.
12. Sign Him Up For Dance Lessons
What’s the best way to give your dog plenty of exercise and mental stimulation? If your dog had a choice, wearing a ridiculous outfit and learning merengue probably wouldn’t be top of his list.
13. Get Him Some Doggles
You can claim you’re trying to protect his eyesight all you want, everyone knows you’re just trying to make him look silly.
14. Make Him Wear a PooTrap
There’s no way this looks even the slightest bit uncomfortable.
15. Get Him A Doggy Translator
What’s that you’re saying, Winston? “Get this f*&$ing contraption off my neck?”