Top 5 Reasons Vanessa Paradis And Johnny Depp Split Up

5. He’s Bald

Via: vice.com

I saw him in real life once. I’m not sure how it doesn’t show up in pictures, but his hairline is literally a foot above his eyebrows, and it’s all weave. Not that there’s anything wrong with being bald, it happens to everyone. I just feel that a beautiful freak like Johnny (who once referred to himself as a “pale no-hoper”) should own it, rather than hiding it under those stupid fucking Cameron Diaz hats.

4. He’s in Terrible Movies

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=GrqpKEOF8uw.

The biggest misconception about J-Depp is that he only does the big budget stuff to pay the bills and, in an ideal world, would be doing weirdo artsy stuff (like, er, Sleepy Hollow) all the time. But looking at his IMDB page, I can see maybe four or five movies he’s been in that could be considered “good”. (Cry-Baby, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Gilbert Grape and Edward Scissorhands. I hear that Platoon is good, too, but I haven’t seen it.) That’s about 6%. Numbers ain’t great.

3. He Makes Terrible Music

Video available at: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9g0cCQ_ZZkY.

See also: “(Johnny) plays lead slide guitar on the track “Fade In-Out”, from the 1997 album Be Here Now. Noel Gallagher, Oasis’s lead guitarist, was allegedly too drunk to perform it himself, so celebrity pal Depp stepped in and nailed the lead on one take.”

2. His Clothes

Via: vice.com

He seems to have two looks; his formal “that tap dancing demon from the musical episode of Buffy” look.

Via: vice.com

And his more casual “you are almost 50 years old. This has to stop” look.

PS, how long do you think it takes him to get dressed each day? He’s wearing AT LEAST fifteen seperate garments in that last picture.

13.

LINK

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