If you hadn’t been able to tell by the influx of over-protective mothers panic buying dehumidifiers and pepper spray at BHS, it’s that time of year again. The time when the finest young minds in Britain set off on the doomed intellectual odyssey that is university life.
It’s also the time of year when journalists who haven’t been to university since the days when you could get laid at an anti-nuclear march see fit to tell today’s students how to behave at university. Clearly, this is bullshit.
Despite a worrying large number of the VICE editorial staff failing to pick up our degrees, we can at least remember going to university in an era when “Skrillex” was a thing you had to have an opinion on. That’s why we thought we’d be better placed to guide you through the pitfalls of the student condition. So, here it is…
A – ALCOHOL
Unfortunately, during the three magical years you spend “growing up” at university, you will realise that the only perk of higher education is the cheap alcohol. And then you will realise that actually, vomiting into your hair outside a “club” in the part of your university which smells like a swimming pool changing room, really isn’t a perk at all. Still, there’s literally nothing else to do. It’s drink or hang out with the students whose religion prevents them from doing so.
BTW, if you believe that your new status as an intellectual means you’re now above Vodkat and Just Juice, you may find yourself drinking something really pretentious, like absinthe. If you’re drinking absinthe because you like the fact that it gets you drunk and makes you puke green, then that’s just fine, but if you’re doing it because the bottle fits real snug in the inside pocket of your velvet jacket and you think it makes girls more amenable to your card tricks, get ready to have everyone in your halls give you a wider berth than gainful employment.
B – BEING LATE
Don’t worry, that snooze button isn’t going to wear itself out. Have as much sleep as you like. University is great because, unlike school, neither your parents or your teachers can give you shit about missing every single morning lecture on your timetable because you can’t be bothered to get up. You’re at university now; you’ve left them in the dust of reality. You move on your own time, because you’re an adult! A really lazy, really, really poor adult!
C – COOKING
This is a total fucking hassle. You have to go to the shop to buy the food, carry it back, take it out of the bags, put it away in cupboards, then you have to take it all out again when you want to eat the stuff. And even then you still need to get someone to teach you how to cook. There is only one beacon of hope in this hell of having to fend for yourself: sweet chilli sauce. Sure, it’s about 99 percent sugar and one percent chilli, but you can buy it in huge vats that last for months, it goes on everything and tastes amazing. Well worth the gut ulcer waiting for you when you hit 40.