Never Pitch Any Of These Things To Us Again

We know that all of these things exist. Everybody does.

We receive lots of pitches here at VICE and roughly 75 percent of them are the things featured on the following list. So, just to be clear: we know that all of these things exist. Everybody does. I know you just got the internet and found eBaum’s World or googled “weird stuff” or whatever, but we’ve had the internet for a while now. So please stop sending us this stuff.

Imagine being one of the very, very small group of people who are into one of these things. They must spend their entire life replying to emails from student photographers and documentary makers.

KILLING SOMEONE ON ACID
This was a real pitch we got from an intern. She planned to listen to Slayer while she did it and plead insanity if she got caught. At least that last bit makes sense.

LARPING
We’ve covered this from every angle we possibly can. It’s about as popular as wrestling over here now, which is kind of sad, and the last thing it needs is more coverage. It was a key feature in half the episodes of Peep Show, for Christ’s sakes.

ART MADE OF BODILY FLUIDS
Looks like shit, smells like shit and your name isn’t Chris Ofili? Then you’ve just made a shit. Well done, I made one this morning.

BRONIES
The new adult babies. Except they’re self-aware now.

FASHION SHOOTS THAT GOT CANNED FROM SOME OTHER MAGAZINE
We can tell, you know.

NINETY PERCENT OF TATTOO PITCHES
Some are actually pretty good, like this one: “I go and ask for misspelt tattoos, like ‘Joy Diversion’ or ‘Enter Sadman’, and if the tattooist doesn’t point it out, I have to get it done.” That’s kind of great.

A NEW DRUG THAT ISN’T NEW, IT’S JUST MEPHEDRONE WITH A NEW NAME
Don’t make us stay up gurning for a whole night just to work out that this one does root canal in your brain and makes you want to kill yourself for three days as well. Mephedrone is the P Diddy of drugs: consistently reinventing itself, consistently awful.

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