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    • V

      I was sexually abused from before I can remember until around 11. I was drugged and rapped at 21. I woke up to a 50 year old man raping me, a 21 year old boy who thought college would be different. I’m groped constantly, packed subway cars (a girl literally grinded into me for several minutes, this is Manhattan at rush hour so no, I couldn’t move away), at parties, anywhere dark really. I don’t drink because I always need to have my guard up. I get solicited for sex, by men and women (and often both/couples) more often than I would have ever thought happened. I’m masculine, but I look like a boy. I look like I’m still 20. I’m beautiful because people make a point to tell me. A drunk dude in college—–straight but… ya know——sloppily informed me I had a face “made for cum, like it’s what everyone thinks, any dude would love to cum on that.” THIS IS ALL TRUE. Being emasculated, having my body seen as something another can just take if they want, no regard for me, is a sickening, depressing thing. I am depressed. I do feel ugly. I don’t know why. I’m not competing on whose life has been more fucked up: mine has. See, I deleted everything in my profile to post this because at least women can come forward. They are still disrespected for being the victim, but they can at least be heard. My rapist? He’s out there. All of my predators are. Guys never speak out because we’re suppose to play the roll of stoic, asshole, sexists we’ve been assigned to. I can’t form relationships, I can not kiss (rapes unexpected PTSD is never discussed in our society, but it fucks you over for life), and I go to bed alone, and will, I’ve been conditioned to pull away from any intimacy, the mere touch of another. The thing that scares me is I do act masculine, I’m 6’2”, I may look young but I’m not weak in style or appearance. I wonder about the boys who are, I worry. Again, we stay in the shadows with this pain because, YES, it is humiliating. As evil as someone else was, it is still humiliating to me. Cat-calls? Hell those are compliments. Being told in passing by a drunk gay couple at 110 and B’way how they’d fucking own me…  The world, for all it;s beauty, is a fucked up place for everyone. I love silliness and goofing off in my life, I never complain of this bullshit outwardly, I want to just be the kid I was never allowed to be (this has been researched, children who are abused before they are old enough to form memories never grow up in certain ways). this isn’t a guy vs. girl thing because they’re is absolutely no way either of us can say which gender has had it worse. I don’t talk about this, but I thought I would anonymously this time to you, you both seem to understand bad = bad no matter who the victim is, and people don’t see just how many victims, guys and girls, there are. I wanted to share this also because people have been so cold in their comments, and so stereotypical. And to let people know how insensitive they’re being, and to post as an honest voice for the men and women who have been repeatedly and aggressively forced upon that others know what they’re going through. The once who have had it the worse are almost always silent. This is to them.  And to the twisted sick souls: STOP TAKING THINGS WHICH DO NOT BELONG TO YOU, NEVER WOULD BELONG TO YOU, AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE ENTITLED?! FUCK. YOU. This was not a pity post nor was any part untrue. I post it for perspective and for the shit I’ve been through, you’d never know it. I’m strong. I hope you are too. Don’t give the fuckers the satisfaction of the power they desperately crave. Love,
      V (I’m not proofing this, I don’t want to go back through it, so please forgive the writing, I hope the message is still there.)