How To Find Your Favorite Child

An in-depth look at the My Favorite Child Father’s Day Challenge. A daylong event that helps determine which of your offspring to love the most.

1. The scorecard

Where’s My Coffee?
(1 pt per offer to fill)
— ZERO points awarded… because for the first 2 hours of the competition they don’t know about the competition. The idea is heavily inspired by the motion picture Fight Club.

3. Hallmark Sucks, Homemade Rules

(1st place = 3 pts, 2nd = 2 pts, 3rd = 1pt)
Card with interactive Minecraft experience won.

4. Airsoft Arcade

(1 pt if they hand me gun w/o me begging)
— They thought it was about accuracy, but it was about sharing.

5. Deviled Egg Taste Off

(1st place = 3 pts, 2nd = 2 pts, 3rd = 1pt)
— Perhaps the worst idea I’ve ever had. There was a curry and Cheese Nips egg, an Old Bay and Doritos egg, and a Jack Daniel’s and cocoa powder egg. I finished two of the three.

6. Bless You Speed Test

(1 pt for a genuine “bless you” post sneeze)
— Mastering the fake sneeze takes practice, it’s as if they knew I was faking and therefore didn’t need to bless me.

7. Beer Run

(1 pt per beer, additional pt awarded if opened)
— One child got lucky by using a splash of beer in his Deviled Egg Taste Off recipe, and decided to bring me the leftovers racking up 2 pts. That same child lost the Deviled Egg Taste Off, so it was a wash.

8. Pick Up Shits

(5 pts if unprompted dog shit pickup occurs)
— When this happened, I was positive the scorecard was compromised. THIS never happens without prompting. EVER.

Where’s Daddy’s iPod Charger
(2 pts awarded when placed in my hand)
— Do you have any idea how hard it is to hide a charger on purpose?

Could You Get Me That Non-Beer Item
(1 pt for each item retrieved)
— Neglected this challenge, however, the children who fetched my iPod charger collected points.

The AC Is On, The Door Is Open
(3 pts awarded for closing the sliding glass door)
— This event was discarded when I realized I was placing too much faith in my children to give a shit about my electric bill.

Hug Me
(1 pt for each unasked for hug)
— My daughter pwnd this event. My son noticed that I pulled out the scorecard post hug and proceeded to hug me in an attempt to show affection and gain points. Soon after, no further points were awarded for hugs. Well played by him, since his sister continued to give pointless hugs.

Staged Argument With Mom
(2 pts awarded to each child who takes my side)
— The event was aborted after my wife and I got in a real argument about what to fake argue about. Nobody took my side. Point taken, yet no points awarded.

Where’s The Remote
(1 pt awarded when found)
— Son found it, turned on Falling Skies… thanks to Noah Wyle, soon after I fell asleep.


(*Points may be deducted at anytime… for any reason.)
Thanks to the small print and a youth sports system that awards participation over domination, my wife thought it should be a three-way tie. So it was a three-way tie, although the scorecard was shared and I pointed out some things.

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