Penguins are perfect.
This is not up for debate for the following reasons:
1. Penguins are always black tie ready, just in case some classy shit pops off.
When is the last time you wore a tux for no reason at all? Never, that’s when.
2. Their classy coatings aren’t just stylish, they camouflage them from rude predators.
It’s called “countershading.” Predators swimming above them can’t see them because their black backs blend in with the darkness of the ocean, and those swimming beneath them can’t see them because their white bellies blend with the light in the sky. GENIUS.
3. They have the cutest, goofiest, siilliest, most adorable little waddle ever.
They be like Smooth, can you teach me how to waddle?
4. Penguins are generally unafraid of humans.
So don’t take them for punks. They ain’t nobody’s punks.
5. But when they do approach humans, it’s usually for snacks and tickles.
Penguins love tickles.
6. They don’t often get falling down drunk, but when they do, it’s pretty freaking adorable.
Time to go home, cutie pie. You’ve had enough.
7. Sure they can’t fly, but they swim like hell and can jump 7 feet into the air.
8. They’re also expert divers, torpedoing down as deep as 1,870 feet.
Michael Phelps WHO?!
9. Penguins are amazing employees.
They’re usually the first ones into the office, the last ones to leave, and they rarely eat other people’s lunches out of the company refrigerator.
10. Some prehistoric penguins grew to be nearly human-sized.
This is actually kind of creepy.
11. They rarely have time for your bullshit.
A quality we could all benefit from having.
12. They’re SUPER helpful, like this guy getting his friend a newspaper:
And this guy, who loves to throw on his penguin backpack and go grocery shopping for his family.
And you pitch a fit when your mom so much as asks you to take out the trash!
13. They’re kind of clumsy, but not in an almost-set-the-house-on-first kind of way.
More like in an “Awww, what an adorable little scamp” kind of way.
14. Still, they’re nimble enough to be better than you at soccer.
15. Penguins are kind of jerks sometimes.
But they’re FUNNY jerks, so it’s okay.
16. Penguins are very skilled with a makeup brush.
Just look at the eyeshadow on this yellow-eyed penguin. Blended to the gods, honey.
17. And the Macaroni penguin’s weave game is tighter than yours has ever been.
That hair is laid.
18. A goup of pengins in the water is called a “raft.” Guess what a group of penguins on land is called.
19. Penguins are monogamous, so when they love, they love forever.
Your ex knows NOTHING about that.
20. They’re also amazing parents.
When a penguin egg is laid, its father incubates it on top of its feet waiting for it to hatch, barely moving or eating himself for two months. Meanwhile, mom is off doing some heavy duty fishing to make sure Junior has food to eat. Parents of the year.
21. Penguins inspired one of the funkiest dances ever.
And several funky songs, such as this jam by Rufus Thomas.
22. And they’re not so bad at dancing themselves.
Those hips don’t lie!