How To Get Your First Brazilian Wax

Get a Brazilian, they said. It’s not so bad, they said.

1. Do your research!

What kind of wax do you want? Hard wax? Soft wax? Bikini? Brazilian? All gone? Landing strip? Study up! Don’t hand over your vagina without also giving proper instructions! (Both in the spa and beyond, if you know what I mean.)

2. Take a friend with you.

You don’t have to have your friend hold your hand while you’re busting it open on the spa table, but take a travel buddy — you’ll need someone to talk you out of turning around and going home on the way.

3. Find a reputable, trustworthy spa or esthetician to go to.

Bubba’s Bikini Baldin’ Barn may not be the smartest place to go. Just sayin’.

4. Say hello to the person soon to be all up in your business.

It might (read: definitely will) be a bit awkward to have somebody all in your stuff without so much as buying you a drink first. Just try to make the best of it.

5. STRIP!

Just from the waist down, though. It’s not that kind of party. Some places give you a pair of paper panties to put on for modesty’s sake, but does modesty really matter right now?

6. Try to relax.

Do not focus on the waves of white hot pain soon to be emanating from your mons veneris as your pubic hair is ripped out at the follicle. Ask your esthetician what he or she is having for dinner or something.

7. Keep trying to relax while hot wax is smeared all over your vulva.

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PLEASE DON’T BURN ANYTHING OFF, I NEED THOSE THINGS.

10. NOPE, YOU WEREN’T READY.

11. YELL ALL THE CUSS WORDS.

12. ASK ALL THE QUESTIONS.

WHY? WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME? WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS? IS MY VAGINA GONE? DID YOU RIP MY VAGINA OFF? CAN WE PUT IT BACK ON? CAN I SUE YOU FOR THIS?!

13. Let the realization that you are nowhere near finished wash over you.

14. Get even sadder when you realize that you are paying someone to do this to you.

For why?!

15. Go to your happy place.

Because even though the actual waxing may take around 20 minutes, it will feel like you’re on that table for 3 months.

16. It’s finally over! Open your eyes and take a peek!

Once you’re done, your esthetician, who now knows you on a biblical level, will hand you a mirror so you can check out your newly shined sugar bowl.

17. Be really, really confused to find it looking red and angry instead of porn starish, like you imagined.

WHERE IS THE SEXY? I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY!

18. Walk VERY CAREFULLY to your selected mode of transportation.

You want as little friction down there as possible for the next 24 hours or so.

19. Realize that, hey, this is kind of nice. This is really nice.

Once your skin is all soothed and considerably happier, get into how smooth and pretty everything is and try not to keep your hand in your pants all day.

Or, keep your hands in your pants all day. Your body, your business.

20. Be prepared to walk like this for the next 2-4 weeks.

Because you will feel like a goddess.

21. Call and make your next appointment.

Gotta keep the landscape looking good!

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