The 23 Stages Of Shopping At A Mall Alone On A Saturday

It’s not safe out there.

1. Ah yes, Saturday. We meet again. Today seems like an excellent day to get some shopping done. Alone.

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2. This is great. Life is beautiful. I’m loving this alone time.

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3. OMG THERE IS NO PARKING. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE HERE. DON’T THEY HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

4. Okay. I lost my cool for a minute there, but I’m better now. Here I come, shopping mall!

5. Okay here I am. In the store — Oh no, why is that employee waving at me like that? Avoid eye contact.

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6. Dear sales associate stop asking me if I’m “looking for something special”. I’M JUST BROWSING, OKAY? IS THAT OKAY?

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7. Please, Nordstrom employees, stop stalking me. I just want to be alone with the clothes.

8. I finally found something. NOW I would like to be helped by someone.

“Yes, hi, may I please have a dressing room?”

9. I’ve been in here for a total of two minutes and NO YOU MAY NOT COME IN HERE TO SEE HOW THESE PANTS FIT. NONONO.

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10. Why did I come to this place?

11. I am ready to make a purchase. OMG. That is the longest line I have ever seen in my life.

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12. Cashier, stop trying to bully me into applying for a store credit card. I have said no seven times already.

13. Are you still talking about the credit card? FINE. If you’ll stop talking I’ll apply for the credit card.

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14. What? You want to know my annual income? HAHAHAHA.

*this one goes out to all the recent college grads.

15. Oh, I didn’t qualify? YOU DON’T SAY.

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16. Oh no. No. No. No. No. CONTROL YOUR CHILD.

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17. FOOD COURT. FOOD COURT. FOOD COURT.

18. I totally don’t mind eating alone in this large and loud food court.

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19. Ugh, the kid at the table next to me won’t stop staring. I AM ENJOYING A DAY AT THE MALL ALONE BY CHOICE OKAY.

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20. OMG. I see someone I know. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.

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21. Stop looking at me, kiosk guy. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE SELLING. YES, I KNOW I HAVE BEAUTIFUL HAIR.

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22. THAT IS IT. I AM LEAVING.

23. Finally. I am home. I am safe. And I will never go outside again.

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