The date was Friday, March 31st 1995; a date that will live in infamy, you could say.
I know the date because I still have the concert ticket... Billy Joel and Elton John were performing together at The Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis.
3 of my buddies and me had good seats for the show and that Friday after work, we loaded up a cooler with beer and hit the road from Cincinnati, which is about a 100 mile drive.
On our way there, just outside of Indy, we stopped at a gas station to take a piss from all of the beer (We had a designated driver) and I was starving as well, so I wanted to get something to eat.
They had a couple gas station sandwiches. The options were few, so I remember getting an egg salad sandwich (A GAS STATION EGG SALAD SANDWICH) and a bag of peanuts.
Mixed with copious amounts of beer, this would later prove to be a lethal combination.
We hopped back in to the car and hit the road again. I proceeded to eat that foul egg salad sandwich and the peanuts and continued drinking beers.
Now---fast forward to the concert about an hour and a half later.
It was a sold out show and the people were packed in like sardines.
We were at our seats in about the middle of our row and it was an intimate moment in the concert. Everyone was sitting down and I was too.
Elton John was performing a beautiful rendition of "Candle in the wind". Aside from the music, you could hear a pin drop amongst the unsuspecting and riveted crowd.
----- "Goodbye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all, You had the grace to hold yourself While those around you crawled":---- There was a harmonious and peaceful ambiance in the air….
That ambience in the air was about to change--- drastically---and something besides that candle was about to begin blowing in the wind, as I felt that unholy egg salad sandwich, beer and peanuts begin to percolate deep within the bowels of my stomach.
It felt like someone was bowlin in my colon or like a dark and rumbling storm was a brewin, which it was…
It was the darkest hour, of the darkest night in my gut. The storm that was brewing inside of me could have been given a name by the weather people, it was so bad. Tropical Depression Egg Salad Sandy.
Even though it was an intimate moment, I had no fear that the monstrous gas bubble that was emerging within me would be heard because the music as soothing as it was, was still loud..
My immediate fear as my ass began to puckerfy, was that I would shart my pants.
Nodding my head to the music as the sweat began to bead on my brow, I put on my best Eric Cartman grin and nervously glanced around. The thought crossed my mind to get up and make my way through the row and head towards the bathroom.
I looked to the left and to the right and thought, I am screwed.
Sure enough I was dead center and either way I headed, was a long haul and I would be sure to CROP DUST everyone along the way. If that were to happen, there really was no way I could come back to my seat without suffering some type of injury…No, I was beyond the point of no return and whatever was going to happen was going to happen here where I sat.
I loosened up my sphincter muscle ever so slightly to test the outcome and nothing but warm, rotten air came out----good---no shart, I thought, so not having much choice in the matter, I relaxed my hold and like air escaping from a balloon, I let loose. FFLLLPPPRRRGGGHHHFFFPPPFFFF.
It was a dry heat as they say and about two seconds in to the evacuation, this eye watering, powerful, God awful, the worst fucking fart you have ever smelled or could imagine, in your life began to hit my nose. If you like egg salad, you might actually have enjoyed the smell for a second, had you been walking in to a kitchen where egg salad was being prepared but there was no mistaking what this was.
Oooooo shit…. Decision time. This is DEFINITELY going to cause a scene-----
------"And it seems to me you lived your life, like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to turn to when the rain set in" ------ continued on.
My buddy Keith was sitting next to me on my right hand side innocently nodding his head to the music, enjoying the show, without a clue of what was about to happen to him and how his world was about to be turned upside down and rocked.
Because I decided in the blink of a watery eye that Keith, my good friend Keith, was going to have to take the fall on this one.
As the stench began to grow like a mushroom cloud, I pulled up my shirt over my nose and looked at him and with the most disgusted look I could muster in my eyes, I said very loudly "OOOOH KEEEIIITH!" While simultaneously pointing my thumb at him and giving him a malevolent wink of the eye…
He looked at me just as that lethal gas wafted across his face as he was breathing in, and I will never forget it. He had a puzzled look at first and then, if you have ever seen a bunny rabbit's nose twitch up and down, that is what Keith's nose looked like as he sniffed the air. He looked perplexed for a split second and then he started gagging at the smell.
The look of horror was dawning on him that everyone around us was looking at his disgusting, rude, ass for being the offender as I pointed at him with a sour and indicting mug.
Only about five seconds had passed since this odor from hell was released but it had already spread to about a ten foot perimeter from the epicenter and it was quickly expanding.
I would be dead if looks could kill as Keith lost his breath and pulled his shirt up over his nose and started throwing the accusations back at me.
The packed crowd became restless as murmers, coughs and outcries were beginning to emanate around us.
The poor soul who was sitting directly in front of me, next to his girl, with his head practically between my knees, God bless his innocent soul, turned his head around with whiplash speed looking like he was going to throw a punch as the fart began to crawl down his and his lovely dates shirts to settle in, and he saw Keith and I pointing at each other. I shamelessly looked back at him with a look that was meant to say "I know" and pointed to my buddy and said "It wasn't me, it was him". Both he and his lady slid down in their seats pulling their shirts up over their faces.
It was all I could do to hold my look of repugnance at Keith and not bust out in hysterics.
Hearing shouting behind me, I looked back and a girl about five rows behind me was standing up leaning down towards us yelling "WHO THE FUCK DID THAT!!!!!!!? I swear it's true, she looked like she was PISSED OFFF---I stuck my arm in the air and pointed down at Keith who looking scandalized, replied in kind and continued denying everything and condemning me …
----And I would have liked to have known you, but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before, your legend ever did------played on…
From the front of our section I could see a flashlight pointing in our direction from the usher trying to see what the commotion was about and why our entire section was coughing and gagging and why there was much gnashing of teeth. He started up the stairs in the aisle and made it to our row and his face scrunched up like he just smelled dirty ass and he headed back down to his post…
This went on for about 10 minutes. Everyone within about 15 rows in all directions pretty much forgot all about the Candle in the wind and joined in, in the outrage---hoping there really was a candle in the wind---scented…
Even though, as they say, "The smeller is the feller" I knew that while there were probably a lot of people looking at me like I could have been the culprit, more of them were looking at Keith as the bad guy.
If I was going to go down, I wasn't going to go down alone on this one, and I didn't. I took my buddy with me and we both fell on that stinky sword. Well, I pretty much pushed him on to it but still…
That fart was thick and it lingered nearby for about 15 minutes and I guarantee you that anyone who was unlucky enough to have been in the vicinity of that vile and sinful smell that night, when they look back at that Elton John/Billy Joel concert, that will be their first thought. I know it is mine….
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