"People who love the Circle Line look down on people who still drink on the Tube. They're like, we had that one party and now it's all over."
"Circle Line fans make extensive plans for holidays they secretly know they will never take."
"I think they maybe wear fedoras to festivals."
"People on the Circle Line are the most flustered. They live their lives in a permanent state of fluster."
"They don't really know or trust London, so spend their lives whizzing around the outskirts like paranoid electrons."
"I feel like District Line fans are people without hope."
"People who like the District Line probably really value getting phone signal, and having plenty of time to read."
"They're well into podcasts."
"They're people who like to have an excuse for why they were late to work."
"The District Line is full of people whose dads are richer than your dad. They have a friend called Harriet. Always."
"Or old ladies who are not in a hurry."
"Probably just on the Tube for a chat."
"People who love the Piccadilly Line crave human contact so desperately that they wait for rush hour to travel."
"Probably the same people who think shampoo and deodorant are unnecessary. Just sold to us by souless marketers."
"They like hemp."
"I think like anyone who loves the Piccadilly line really enjoys people-watching. 'Everybody has a tale to tell' is a thing they think about their fellow passengers. They have a notebook in which they write short stories about the people with suitcases going to and from Heathrow."
"But they can only write when it's not too crowded."
"Short people love the Bakerloo Line."
"The kinds of people who love the Bakerloo Line are the kinds of people who like the class system because it's 'traditional'."
"The sort of person who can name different kinds of tweed."
"They buy Twinings tea."
"Their favourite TV show is definitely QI and they own a large beautiful dog."
"They've almost certainly got food poisoning from that dodgy hotdog place at Elephant & Castle. You only make that mistake once. Trust me."
"Metropolitan Line enthusiasts are probably quite wealthy. Like to show off to their friends that they 'don't mind taking the tube into town.' Have a family top hat that comes out at weddings."
"You only love taking the Metropolitan line if you love visiting your posh but mean granny."
"My friend used to date a girl who lived in Amersham. She had a roundabout on her drive. A FUCKING ROUNDABOUT. Can you imagine? It's like Downton cocking Abbey on the Met Line."
"SAME. LITERALLY SAME. Not about the roundabout, just the girl in Amersham."
"If the Northern Line is your favourite, you're probably the kind of person who is really hoping to find love on public transport."
"They're frequent contributors to Rush Hour Crush."
"Guys who love the Northern Line also enjoy a check shirt (top button done up)/chino combo."
"Love to complain."
"Get frustrated at the people who clog up the staircases at Camden Town."
"Passionate about black cabs. Like telling people that they don't use Uber."
"Waterloo & City line? Waaaannnnkkkkeeerrrrsssssssssss."
"The kinds of people who order the same thing at the same restaurant every time they go out."
"They describe their home as 'minimalist' when what they actually mean is 'white and boring'."
"'I like it because it's efficient. Clean. No messing about.' – what Waterloo & City line fans say about the Waterloo & City line, and also the death penalty."
"Wait, the Waterloo & City line actually exists? I thought it was an urban myth, like the girl who fell into the toilets at Glastonbury."
"I think people who like the Hammersmith & City Line best are probably quite twee. They love a good satchel, and 'guerilla knitting'."
"They enjoy recommending tiny Burmese restaurants in East London."
"But they've actually only been there once."
"That said, they're probably quite nice. I couldn't see a Hammersmith & City line fan murdering me, for example."
"Oh no, they'd probably lend a small amount of money to a stranger."
"Overly eager to give up their seat to people who aren't even that old."
"Ring their mothers often."
"Central Line fans. Straight talking. What you see is what you get. Says it on the front of the tin. All that stuff."
"Fond of the fact that the Central Line is the longest of all the tube lines. Size matters."
"These people ACTUALLY grew up in London and judge the rest of us. Rightly so. We're a bunch of fuckwits."
"This is all correct because I grew up in London and love the Central Line and you are a bunch of fuckwits."
"Oh, and they watch too much porn. Weird stuff, too."
"Everyone likes the Victoria Line. It's like saying the chocolate digestive is your favourite biscuit."
"The Victoria Line is like that one girl at school who was super popular but also really, genuinely nice. And the most predictable crush you could have."
"Victoria Line fans are tolerant, patient people. They are loyal. Notably to their favourite tube line."
"Victoria Line fans have glossy hair."
"They don't smell because of all the air-conditioning."
"Fast talkers, but good listeners."
"Let's be honest, we all want to be these people. I used to be one of these people. They were the best of times."
"Jubilee Line lovers. Always take the stairs rather than the escalator, and are quite smug about it."
"They all do online shopping. Can't get enough of Ocado."
"Over cautious. Worried about getting mugged at night. Won't use their phone in public."
"Christmas shopping done by November."
"Always bring a brolly."
"Very 'I told you so.'"
"Overground fans play at least two musical instruments and are annoyingly good at French."
"Devoted Wimbledon-watchers. Good at accessorising."
"They've all made the 'yeah, I preferred Shoreditch when it was Underground' joke about fifty times, but maintain that it 'never gets old'. TBF it is a pretty solid joke."
"Have a favourite breed of dog."
"Enjoy an audible sigh."
"DLR lovers have a glint in their eye at all times."
"They find University Challenge too easy and so watch Only Connect instead."
"They dream big. Still think they might be astronauts one day."
"DLR lovers take risks."
"I mean, hate to say it, but sexy. Sexxxxxy."
"Almost too sexy."
"But before we get carried away, can we all agree that if you get the DLR and DON'T sit at the front then you're probably a sociopath?"
"I mean obviously."
"100%."
"Good."
"I don't understand how anybody can love the Emirates Air Line most. It's not a real Tube Line. It's like answering the question 'what's your favourite kind of crisp' with 'Dairy Milk'."
"I love it so much. It's MY favourite. I like to shake the cars. I like to take pictures. I like to travel from one pointless place to another. I like to pretend I can ski."
"The Emirates Air Line is symbolic of the slow, reptilian incursion of the private sector on every facet of the public sphere and most likely heralds the destruction of the welfare state, and anyone who loves it is part of the problem tbh."
"They're the sort of people who might someday get sponsorship to name their child Burger King."
"I would do that."
"I went on the Riverboat the other day (like 3 years ago) and it was quite rough and there was a leak at the front and the old lady sitting there got soaked every time a wave came, but she loved it, and the world was full of joy."
"People use this to commute? Are you shitting me? Sort your lives out."
"No YOU sort your life out. You wish you commuted on a boat. These people are living their best life."
"They're way too desperate to inject artificial romance in their lives. Love watching Garden State, still. These are the people who break up with partners because they're 'not deep enough.'"
"What's wrong with Garden State?"
"FFS."
"You people are sad not to find joy in a boat."
"Would rather be sad than a boat-wanker."
"What about Tramlink?"
"Tram-what?"
"I thought you said Thameslink and got confused and doubted everything."
"Hahaha, you literally just made this up."
"It's a major bit of transport infrastructure in South London, you bunch of East London hipster scumbags."
"On the Isle of Man we have trams pulled by horses. They're called horse trams. I'd rather get on one of them to be honest, mostly because then I wouldn't be in Wimbledon."