Ing-Ger-Laaaaaaand, also known as England, are an international association football team that you should definitely support in the forthcoming FIFA World Cup.
2. Why should you support England? Well, how about THEY INVENTED FOOTBALL IN THE FIRST PLACE?
That has to count for something, right?
3. England devised the rules of football and formed many of its first teams – who, by the way, had intense levels of swag.
4. England’s most famous recent player is David Beckham. He last played for England in 2009, has now retired from football and is of no relevance to the 2014 World Cup, but that’s no reason not to include a picture of him with his shirt off.
6. Really, this is a thing.
How can you not support a team managed by an owl?
7. England have tasted World Cup glory – they won the Cup as hosts in 1966.
…and they haven’t shut up about it since.
8. They were helped to do this by a controversial goal that definitely crossed the line, no matter what a bunch of West Germans may have thought at the time.
9. But actually England have a very tragic history at the World Cup, which makes supporting them a powerful and character-building emotional experience.
Here is a picture of a shirtless David Beckham looking sad to illustrate this concept.
10. England were knocked out of the World Cup by a penalty shootout in 1990…
11. …and in 1998…
12. …and 2006.
13. Oh, and they’ve also been knocked out of the European Championships on penalties three times. Basically the history of the England football team is one of never-ending penalty shootout tragedy.
No other team has lost as many penalty shoot-outs in major championships as England. Look, just shut up about penalties. Please. We’ll practice taking them this time, honest.
14. England’s biggest rivals are Germany and Argentina, mostly because England have fought them in wars. Unfortunately they both have a habit of beating England fairly regularly.
England choose their enemies poorly. Again, this is character-building.
15. And, oh boy, do England have a long memory for grudges. THIS STILL MAKES ENGLAND FANS ANGRY:
They have built so much character by now.
16. England football fans, by the way, are universally recognised as the best and most lovable fans in the world. They all look like this:
17. Or like this.
18. (Or, okay, sometimes like this.)
19. England have the best football songs.
21. And this year, England have a fresh, exciting squad full of talented young players who could surprise people.
Luke Shaw, Raheem Sterling and Ross Barkley are just three of the young players going to their first World Cup.
22. So, to sum up, England has footballing history…
23. …passionate fans…
(Who should put a shirt on.)
24. …and a genuinely terrible record in penalty shootouts.
25. And that’s why Shirtless David Beckham wants you to support them.
You must obey Shirtless David Beckham.