1. So, you want to have sex, but aren’t sure how to go about it? Here are some handy tips from the world of stock photography.
2. Recognise the signs. You can tell when a man is sexually interested because a gear stick will emerge from his trousers.
3. A woman, meanwhile, will signal her sexual availability by extruding a large number of billiard balls from within her body.
4. Most modern computers now come equipped with a “sex” key.
5. The sex key will summon a sexual handyman.
6. Alternatively, simply write the word “sex” on your smartphone and insert it in your underwear.
7. This will cause many bikini-clad women to surf towards you on synthesisers.
8. Now it’s time to have sex!
9. First, remove your Santa Claus outfit.
10. Take off ALL your clothes.
11. Make sure you have a photographic record of your genitals beforehand so you can check for differences later.
12. Also remember to point and laugh at your partner’s groin.
13. Take some time for a quick presentation to make sure everybody is on the same page.
14. You now take it in turns to sit on the edge of the bed looking thoughtful while your partner goes blurry behind you.
15. REMEMBER TO CHECK THE BED FOR GHOSTS BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX.
Otherwise you might get a nasty invisible surprise!