1. So, you want to have sex, but aren’t sure how to go about it? Here are some handy tips from the world of stock photography.
2. Recognise the signs. You can tell when a man is sexually interested because a gear stick will emerge from his trousers.
3. A woman, meanwhile, will signal her sexual availability by extruding a large number of billiard balls from within her body.
5. The sex key will summon a sexual handyman.
6. Alternatively, simply write the word “sex” on your smartphone and insert it in your underwear.
7. This will cause many bikini-clad women to surf towards you on synthesisers.
8. Now it’s time to have sex!
9. First, remove your Santa Claus outfit.
10. Take off ALL your clothes.
11. Make sure you have a photographic record of your genitals beforehand so you can check for differences later.
12. Also remember to point and laugh at your partner’s groin.
13. Take some time for a quick presentation to make sure everybody is on the same page.
14. You now take it in turns to sit on the edge of the bed looking thoughtful while your partner goes blurry behind you.
15. REMEMBER TO CHECK THE BED FOR GHOSTS BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX.
Otherwise you might get a nasty invisible surprise!
16. Being kissed by an invisible sex ghost is too spooky.
17. It’s important to practise safe sex! Before beginning doing sex, take one of the drying condoms off your washing line.
18. Place the condom over your giant banana insult finger.
19. Good sexual health can also be maintained by holding a syringe full of pills next to a fruit arrangement.
20. If in doubt, place your partner in a mosquito net and wear a mask.
21. Women: give your partner a sexy surprise by bursting naked and blindfolded through the walls of your fragile paper house.
22. Perform an interpretive dance for your partner.
23. Foreplay is important. This is how you begin sex.
24. Sexy food play can increase the erotic excitement.
25. Now you can have sex. Sex involves sticking your feet out of the end of the duvet. Like this!
26. While having a conversation in a tent you’ve made out of the sheets.
27. This is really good!
28. This is brilliant sex!
29. Remember to take a break during sex to share a joke with the photographer!
30. This is poor.
31. This is doing sex wrong.
32. NO NOT LIKE THIS.
33. THIS IS THE BEST SEX YOU CAN POSSIBLY HAVE.
34. Congratulations, you have had sex! Take some time to bask in your achievement.
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