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How To Have Sex According To Stock Photographs

All these pictures were found by searching for the word “sex” on stock photography sites. This is definitely how sex works. (Sort of NSFW-ish.)

1. So, you want to have sex, but aren’t sure how to go about it? Here are some handy tips from the world of stock photography.

AndreyPopov/Thinkstock

2. Recognise the signs. You can tell when a man is sexually interested because a gear stick will emerge from his trousers.

sb-borg/Thinkstock

3. A woman, meanwhile, will signal her sexual availability by extruding a large number of billiard balls from within her body.

Artfoliophoto/Thinkstock

4. Most modern computers now come equipped with a “sex” key.

jurgenfr/Thinkstock

mustafabilgesatkin/Thinkstock

dmitroza/Thinkstock

 

5. The sex key will summon a sexual handyman.

JackF/Thinkstock

6. Alternatively, simply write the word “sex” on your smartphone and insert it in your underwear.

MaxRiesgo/Thinkstock

7. This will cause many bikini-clad women to surf towards you on synthesisers.

uruXOX/Thinkstock

8. Now it’s time to have sex!

seb_ra/Thinkstock

9. First, remove your Santa Claus outfit.

MagMos/Thinkstock

10. Take off ALL your clothes.

alby85/Thinkstock

11. Make sure you have a photographic record of your genitals beforehand so you can check for differences later.

lisafx/Thinkstock

12. Also remember to point and laugh at your partner’s groin.

innovatedcaptures/Thinkstock

13. Take some time for a quick presentation to make sure everybody is on the same page.

GeorgeRudy/Thinkstock

14. You now take it in turns to sit on the edge of the bed looking thoughtful while your partner goes blurry behind you.

Stockbyte/Thinkstock

AndreyPopov/Thinkstock

 

15. REMEMBER TO CHECK THE BED FOR GHOSTS BEFORE YOU HAVE SEX.

Wavebreakmedia Ltd/Thinkstock

Otherwise you might get a nasty invisible surprise!

16. Being kissed by an invisible sex ghost is too spooky.

CURAphotography/Thinkstock

17. It’s important to practise safe sex! Before beginning doing sex, take one of the drying condoms off your washing line.

serezniy/Thinkstock

18. Place the condom over your giant banana insult finger.

settaphan/Thinkstock

19. Good sexual health can also be maintained by holding a syringe full of pills next to a fruit arrangement.

OnTheWind/Thinkstock

20. If in doubt, place your partner in a mosquito net and wear a mask.

alby85/Thinkstock

21. Women: give your partner a sexy surprise by bursting naked and blindfolded through the walls of your fragile paper house.

shepkov/Thinkstock

22. Perform an interpretive dance for your partner.

JackF/Thinkstock

23. Foreplay is important. This is how you begin sex.

RazoomGames/Thinkstock

24. Sexy food play can increase the erotic excitement.

Madhourse/Thinkstock

25. Now you can have sex. Sex involves sticking your feet out of the end of the duvet. Like this!

Ximagination/Thinkstock

26. While having a conversation in a tent you’ve made out of the sheets.

GeorgeRudy/Thinkstock

27. This is really good!

Lighthaunter/Thinkstock

28. This is brilliant sex!

JackF/Thinkstock

29. Remember to take a break during sex to share a joke with the photographer!

JackF/Thinkstock

30. This is poor.

anyaberkut/Thinkstock

31. This is doing sex wrong.

Simon Bremner/Thinkstock

32. NO NOT LIKE THIS.

gmast3r/Thinkstock

33. THIS IS THE BEST SEX YOU CAN POSSIBLY HAVE.

Lighthaunter/Thinkstock

34. Congratulations, you have had sex! Take some time to bask in your achievement.

GeorgeDolgikh/Thinkstock

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