23 Things People Who Aren’t Going To Glastonbury Are Tired Of Hearing

Oh god, please stop talking to me about druids.

1. Anybody calling it “Glasto”.

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2. Anybody talking about “the vibe”.

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

Translation: a load of secretly posh blokes with dreads doing poi.

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3. “It’s a really spiritual place.”

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

No, you’ve just taken some drugs. An Asda car park feels spiritual when you’re off your baps on funny pills.

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4. “It’s, like, sooo hedonistic.”

Andy Butterton/PA Images

A bunch of people sitting in drizzle doing laughing gas during a boring set by The Courteeners.

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5. “It’s like a whole city!”

Toby Melville/PA Images

It’s like a whole city before they invented houses or plumbing.

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6. People tweeting, “I just heard an amazing rumour about who’s playing a secret gig.”

Rosie Greenway / Getty Images

I heard that Prince is doing a secret gig in The Glade with David Bowie, Beyoncé, and a hologram of Elvis.

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7. The concept of the “secret” performance in its entirety.

Ben Birchall/PA Images

It just means a famous band plays on a small stage, which means no one can actually get there or see anything.

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8. “Of course the real action happens up at Lost Vagueness/Trash City/Shangri-La/whatever it’s called this year.”

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

This is a place an hour’s trudging distance from where you are. When you get there, the crush is so immense you can’t get in.

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9. “Veterans” complaining about how the festival has totally changed.

PA Archive/Press Association Images

Well, don’t bloody go then.

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10. “It’s got too corporate.”

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

Bet the first thing you do when you leave on Monday is head for the nearest Starbucks.

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11. People complaining about mud.

MJ Kim / Getty Images

Maybe you should have thought about this before going to stand in a field for five days.

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12. News reports saying “revellers are enjoying the mud”.

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

Three revellers are. Everybody else is giving them a very wide berth.

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13. Anybody acting surprised by the price of food.

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

You are, quite literally, a captive market. You are exhausted and starving and you’re being held prisoner in a peat bog with a giant metal fence around it. Be thankful the burger van staff don’t demand sexual favours.

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14. Flower crowns.

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

Fuck off.

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15. Personalised wellington boots.

Rosie Greenway / Getty Images

Fuck even offer.

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16. “Healing fields”.

Ben Birchall/PA Images

Pretty sure those fields are more likely to cause disease than heal it.

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17. Anything about bongos being inspiring.

Ian Tyas/Keystone Features / Getty Images


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18. Any reference to it being “countercultural”.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

It’s just Reading/Leeds with more prosecco.

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19. People telling everybody their “Glastonbury mobile number”.

Anthony Devlin/PA Images

Because I definitely want to ring you when you’re knee-deep in mud and can’t remember your own name.

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20. “Of course there’s much more to Glastonbury than just the music.”

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

Translation: You made a wicker doll while chatting to a girl from Ernst & Young called Harriet.

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21. Jo Wiley’s forced enthusiasm as she introduces a jazz poet she’s never heard of.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

“Amazing. Just incredible.”

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22. “The sun has come out for [insert band here]!”

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

The weather is a system of incredible complexity and awesome power. It does not change its plans for the benefit of Kasabian.

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23. “That performance is one we’ll be talking about for years to come.”

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

Oh god, I really hope you don’t.

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Tom Phillips is the UK editorial director for BuzzFeed and is based in London.
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