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23 People Who Want To Have Sex With The New iPhone

They’re kind of joking, but just until they see if Apple’s into it. WARNING: Hilariously filthy language.


#iPhone5Features sex— neondeception


I’ll buy the iPhone 5 if you can turn it into a fleshlight.— Chris Or†iz


#iPhone5features Fleshlight— jon evans


#iPhone5Features You can now have sex with it!— Matt Funke


Sex hole #iPhone5Features— Max Fuller

iPhone 5 come out already I want to fuck the shit out of you !!!!!

— frankiealdana (@frankie aldana)

iPhone 5 come out already I want to fuck the shit out of you !!!!!— frankie aldana

#iPhone5Features Sex

— Swaggyville (@|Riley|)

#iPhone5Features Sex— |Riley|

A fleshlight.RT @gitweeta: iPhone 5 to be released later this month. Wonder what features it will have...

— sickolia_ (@Mr. No Days Off.)

A fleshlight.RT @gitweeta: iPhone 5 to be released later this month. Wonder what features it will have…— Mr. No Days Off.

The iPhone 5 better be cool as shit.. I'm talkin bigger screen/improved resolution, better Siri, Fleshlight attachment.. The works!!

— AuditoryElixer (@Dr. Drankenstein)

The iPhone 5 better be cool as shit.. I’m talkin bigger screen/improved resolution, better Siri, Fleshlight attachment.. The works!!— Dr. Drankenstein

@NicholasGazin @tommyrocket other desired iPhone 5 features: Fleshlight attachment, little pop out robo legs, buttons that make it cuss.

— NicholasGazin (@Nicholas Gazin)

@NicholasGazin @tommyrocket other desired iPhone 5 features: Fleshlight attachment, little pop out robo legs, buttons that make it cuss.— Nicholas Gazin

Rumor has it that the iPhone 5 has a new feature that doubles as a fleshlight. Any truth to this?

— Chadbrochill15 (@Spencer ritt)

Rumor has it that the iPhone 5 has a new feature that doubles as a fleshlight. Any truth to this?— Spencer ritt

#iPhone5Features I heard there’s going to be facefuck integration. Finally, a use for the rear-facing camera.

— blenderhd (@Jordan Cooper)

#iPhone5Features I heard there’s going to be facefuck integration. Finally, a use for the rear-facing camera.— Jordan Cooper

Some people want a more emotional connection.

Gently caresses you and assures you that the universe is not indifferent to your crippling loneliness. Also, new camera. #iPhone5Features

— aspaul (@A.S. Paul)

Gently caresses you and assures you that the universe is not indifferent to your crippling loneliness. Also, new camera. #iPhone5Features— A.S. Paul

#iPhone5Features Siri tucks your hair behind your ear, making you feel held without actually holding you

— MostlyPregnant (@Drew Koshgarian)

#iPhone5Features Siri tucks your hair behind your ear, making you feel held without actually holding you— Drew Koshgarian

Others want to make sure their iPhone is satisfied.

Lick to dial. #iPhone5Features

— linopolis (@Lino)

Lick to dial. #iPhone5Features— Lino

If you lick Siri till she climaxes, she’ll let you change font size in Mail. (Achievement unlocked!!) #iPhone5Features

— SteveSeaquist (@ʇsınbɐǝSǝʌǝʇS)

If you lick Siri till she climaxes, she’ll let you change font size in Mail. (Achievement unlocked!!) #iPhone5Features— ʇsınbɐǝSǝʌǝʇS

I feel bad that Siri has to deal with this.

#iPhone5Features siri will be able to have phone sex with you

— AwThatsBenny (@INKED™)

#iPhone5Features siri will be able to have phone sex with you— INKEDâ„¢

#iPhone5Features You can have sex with Siri now.

— Sean_daa_Paul (@Sean-Paul™)

#iPhone5Features You can have sex with Siri now.— Sean-Paulâ„¢

#iPhone5Features Siri will have phone sex with you in a Russian accent.

— MikeSupaGinge (@Mike Helinger)

#iPhone5Features Siri will have phone sex with you in a Russian accent.— Mike Helinger

Siri talks dirty to you #iphone5features

— MollyWYSIB (@Molly)

Siri talks dirty to you #iphone5features— Molly

#Siri.... you'll be a woman soon #iPhone5features

— micaiahvonW (@Micaiah Von Walter)

#Siri…. you’ll be a woman soon #iPhone5features— Micaiah Von Walter

RT @michaelkosta: Siri sucks your dick and let's you cum all over her face. #iPhone5Features

— iJonnyb (@Jonathan Bouvet)

RT @michaelkosta: Siri sucks your dick and let’s you cum all over her face. #iPhone5Features— Jonathan Bouvet

But in the end, it boils down to the same thing.

I wish I could fuck my iPhone.

— BaconHuffer (@BaconHuffer)

I wish I could fuck my iPhone.— BaconHuffer

28. UPDATE: From the Verge Liveblog

Apparently some gadget writers are also familiar with this sentiment.

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