13 Audition Signs That Only Actors Will Appreciate

To celebrate the happy time that is Television Pilot Season, here are some of my favorite signs and images from my adventures in Auditionland. Enjoy.

1. Parking is always easy!

Tom Lenk

This sign is soooooo fancy. Normally, the “No Actor Parking” sign looks like it was scribbled in a fit of blind rage. This one looks like it was calmly ordered from a catalogue. I respect that.

2. Finding the casting office is a cinch.

Tom Lenk

So, I’m in front of the store…I go left? No, through the alley, and then on the roof? Is that what you’re telling me? Or do I just keep going around until I end up back where I started?! I’m confused. Sidenote: Once I did arrive at the “waiting room,” it was essentially a cornered off part of the alley, but with chairs, outdoors in sweltering, record breaking 114 degree Burbank heat. And no water to be found. Super classy!

3. Bathrooms are abundant.

Tom Lenk

There is actually a bathroom right next to the casting office, but actor use is FORBIDDEN! Precious, precious bathroom. So, if you are in need of relief, enjoy a long peaceful walk around the block to a whole other building. This souvenir photocopy of a poorly drawn map from the late ’90s will make it easy. Bathroom maps! What a fun and helpful idea!

4. It’s all about the journey.

Tom Lenk

This handy Bathroom map/”no-steal” oversized keychain looks like it may have scurvy and/or rabies? Be sure to wash your hands after you touch it. Oh wait, you’ll wash your hands and then still have to carry this beast back with you. So, um, hopefully you’ve had all of your shots? But I applaud the VERY DETAILED directions! Don’t get lost!

5. Bathroom treasure maps!

Tom Lenk

You’re right. That map’s confusing. Simply follow the pink path I’ve drawn. Exit through the first Vagine, take a left at the second Vagine. Go through the first shark fin, then hook a ricky at the second shark fin you see. It’s a Starbucks-style one stall bathroom, so you’ll probably have to wait in line a while. But, once inside, a flaming VOTIVO brand Red Currant scented candle will make the trip worth while. Upscale candle = bountiful bathroom treasure!

6. Words of encouragement are all around.

Tom Lenk

OK. I promise not to do trust falls or anything involving my “core,” but what about some sensible Alexander Technique breathing and alignment exercises? Come on, I need to breathe! I do like how the “Thanks!” adds a touch of cheer to this informative sign!

7. Many actors have never used a restroom before, good thing there’s instructions.

Tom Lenk

You’re right. I’m probably going to ignore that previous sign and practice my “prostitute-death-scene-monologue” as I do my business on the throne (actors are great at multi-tasking). This helpful sign will remind me to fortify myself inside my temporary thespian-lair, and prevent laypersons from interrupting my artistic process.

8. Give in to temptations.

Tom Lenk

But you didn’t say no banging on the DRUMS. These professional models are sitting on the DRUMS because there are no STOOLS to be seen. Plus, I have such musical talent, you can’t stop me from BANGING! (But seriously, this facility does a lot of model “castings” which for some reason aren’t called “auditions.” Can we get these gorgeous tall people some non-thimble sized seating for their “castings,” PLEASE!?)

9. Sign in with flair!

Tom Lenk

Auditions can be so fun AND passive aggressive. No thank you. I don’t actually want your haggard decorative pen. Why can’t you just have a box of dull golf pencils like everyone else?

10. There’s two sides to every…pen.

Tom Lenk

“What’s that? You need a pen at your house? Well lucky you there’s a CVS on Ivar and Yucca.” We’ve gone from passive aggressive pens to totally bitchy pens! BONUS! These pen-flag writers have managed to be HILARIOUS, AND communicate an anti-theft message at the same time! They should write their own sitcom with these RIDICULOUS pens!

11. Smile for the camera!

Tom Lenk

A camera-person will sometimes take a digital photo of actors, that is then printed out with their sizes and representation, and handed to the director during the final callbacks. Mine looked like this. It’s pretty awesome. It’s not creepy/drunk/super-creepy at all.

12. Open your eyes….to a world of opportunity!

Tom Lenk

Seriously? I mean, this is awesome. You might call the camera-person lazy or just plain cruel for not retaking this picture…I call them BEST FRIEND! It doesn’t get better than this!

13. Stay healthy, stay strong!

Tom Lenk

Ahh, the waiting room piece de resistance. In this day and age of available internet clip art, I applaud the creativity that went into this. Someone tried real hard with their sketch of these…hands? Yes I think they’re hands. Is this sign saying DO NOT SHAKE MY OWN HAND? Or does this office have something against HUMANITY and GOODWILL TOWARDS OTHERS? Hey, I promise not to shake your hand if you’ll let me give you this bottle of hand sanitizer…and a better sign.

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