1. This hyper-accurate quarterback.
Weight: 206 lb
Pros: Can fit the pigskin in a tight window.
Cons: Throws exclusively underhanded.
Nickname: Kurt Wiener.
Ideal landing spot: Jacksonville or Minnesota.
2. This young running back.
Weight: 60 lb
Pros: Has ideal size for slipping through the cracks in the defense.
Cons: He’s like… five.
Nickname: Chick Magnet.
Ideal landing spot: Cleveland or Miami.
3. This power back.
Weight: 183 lb
Pros: Fearless running style.
Cons: Played a major role in the… bounty scandal.
Nickname: Leap Evans.
Ideal landing spot: St. Louis or New Orleans.
4. This lead blocker.
Weight: 185 lb
Pros: Has incredible old-man strength to open holes for your offense.
Cons: He’s an old man.
Nickname: The Fridge.
Ideal landing spot: Baltimore or Pittsburgh.
5. This wide receiver.
Weight: 140 lb
Pros: Amazing hands.
Cons: Prone to concussions.
Nickname: Marry Rice.
Ideal landing spot: Oakland or New York.
6. This pass-catching tight end.
Weight: 183 lb
Pros: Aggressive at the point of attack.
Cons: Probably needs a rabies shot.
Nickname: The Honey Badger.
Ideal landing spot: Green Bay or Buffalo.
7. This ruthless linebacker.
Weight: Maybe like 30 lb?
Pros: He’s a sure tackler.
Cons: Needs his parents to escort him to the bathroom.
Nickname: Chuck Bedtimenerik.
Ideal landing spot: Kansas City or San Diego.
8. This hard-hitting safety.
Weight: 202 lb
Pros: Flies to the football… or anything, really.
Cons: Cheap-shot artist.
Nickname: Troy Polomoonbounce.
Ideal landing spot: Washington or Cincinnati.
9. This long-distance kicker.
Weight: 158 lb
Pros: Has a powerful leg and kicks with confidence.
Cons: Completely illegal methods for kicking.
Nickname: The Kickrate Kid.
Ideal landing spot: Philadelphia.