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The 26 Types Of Matches You’ll Encounter On Tinder If You’re An Orangutan

Swiping left or right for a soul mate can be a hairy affair.

So you downloaded Tinder.

Maybe you are looking for love.

Maybe you’re looking for something more casual.

The face of immediate regret.

Maybe you just want to see if anyone out there finds you attractive.

Whatever your reason is, you’ve selected some flattering pictures, written a tagline that accurately expresses your individuality and are now ready to swipe through some matches. Here are some of the primates you might run into out there in the wild:

1. Matches who have obviously mastered the delicate art of selfie-taking

Ah, yes, the downward head tilt, with the chin pointed slightly to the left: my favorite angle.

2. Some matches who use intentionally unflattering selfies because they “don’t take themselves too seriously.”

This isn’t Snapchat and I’m shallow.

3. And other matches who will have unintentionally unflattering pictures, unfortunately.

Maybe you should include a smiling picture…

4. And matches who have upgraded to headshots.

…so let me guess, you’re in a band.

5. And matches who haven’t figured out the “Move and Scale” feature yet.

Are they mysterious or did they just forget to zoom out?

6. Matches who will make you play “Where’s Waldo” to figure out which one they are in a group picture.

Please be the one in the middle, please be the one in the middle….

7. Matches with mind-blowing pick-up line messages.

Could’ve been worse. I guess I won’t block you immediately.

8. And matches who just won’t leave you alone.

How it comes off to you:

9. Artistic-types who will let you know how art-y they are by using artistic black and white photos.

11. Yoga practitioner matches who tend to bust out their poses while traveling.

He’s the type of guy who likes to keep his travel plans and his body flexible.

12. Matches who like to hang out with exotic animals.

13. And matches with dogs.

Meet the competition.

ARE ALL OF YOUR PICTURES OF YOU AND YOUR DOG?

14. Outdoorsy matches who give the impression that they don’t check their phone often because they are outside being all active and shit.

The only thing he’ll be spearfishing is your heart.

15. Marathoners/Tough Mudders/Color Runners.

You know she’s down to get dirty.

16. And “Cult of CrossFit” followers.

17. Matches who seem to like to party.

And you must be in a frat.

18. And matches who probably party too hard for you.

But you swipe right anyway.

19. “Foodies.”

I too enjoy eating things.

20. Matches who are obviously way more successful than you are and aren’t afraid to flaunt it.

I definitely won’t be the alpha male of this relationship.

21. Matches who aren’t as good at Photoshop as they think they are.

22. Fake matches/Spam profiles.

23. Matches posing with an ambiguous child.

Is that your kid? Your friend’s kid? Your niece or nephew? Your godchild? Better swipe left just to be safe….

24. Matches who are too young for you.

But you don’t want to raise your age range because you “just wanna see what’s out there…”

25. …and matches who are even younger.

Seriously? How did you even get an account?

26. Congratulations! You have a new match!

Please be that cute one I had 38 shared interests with…

But it’s someone you already know in real life and you non-seriously liked each other just to be funny.

Hahahahahahaha…but I do kind of have a crush on you.

And eventually you get bored and move onto another app.

Because you are so much happier being single.

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