Obama frantically brushing up resume “just in case”
WASHINGTON – Despite being “pretty confident” he will win reelection today, White House insiders confirm President Obama has been furiously updating up his resume “just in case.”
Obama frantically brushing up resume “just in case”
WASHINGTON – Despite being “pretty confident” he will win reelection today, White House insiders confirm President Obama has been furiously updating up his resume “just in case.”
The revelation comes as poll numbers show a tight, one-point presidential contest between him and Republican Mitt Romney.
“The President thinks this election is pretty much in the bag. But being a prudent guy, he feels it’s better to be safe than sorry,” said a senior White House official. “What if an earthquake strikes Philadelphia and spares the more Republican parts of Pennsylvania? What if they suddenly discover a bunch of dead hookers in Joe Biden’s crawl space? What if a kraken eats Cleveland? Granted these are all unlikely scenarios but you just never know.”
The President has been spending his down time between campaign appearances madly scribbling updates to his resume and updating his job information. He was initially reluctant to mention his time as president, considering that to be a weaker spot in his professional career.
“I mean prior to 2009, my accomplishments were pretty impressive,” Obama told a confidante. “I’ll definitely mention my stints as President of the Harvard Law Review and U.S. Senator. And I did a fantastic job as a presidential candidate in 2008 – maybe I could just put that down, and from then onward say my job has been “Nobel Prize winning author?”
Obama ultimately concluded he had no choice but to list his presidency since it would undoubtedly be uncovered in an employer’s background check.
“I’ll just stress the positive things I’ve done as president – like killing Bin Laden and…um, pardoning that turkey last Thanksgiving,” Obama said.
The President has also been scrambling to line up job references in case he’s defeated for reelection. He’s wary to put down Vice President Biden in case he’d “flake out” during a phone call with potential employers.
“You never know what Joe’s gonna do, that’s the problem,” Obama said to the confidante. “He could start in on those crazy-ass stories of his, or randomly shout expletives for no reason. I just can’t take that chance.”
“Maybe I’ll put myself down as a reference?” Obama wondered. “I am the President after all”
Should Romney win the presidency, Obama is optimistic he will find a new job in relatively short order. Among the promising leads he’s heard about – Vice President of Goldman Sachs, Social Coordinator of Amnesty International and Assistant Manager of the Applebee’s around the block from his Chicago home.
“The Applebee’s gig would be sweeet. I’d finally get to sleep in on Monday,” Obama mused.
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