1. So, uh, where do I keep my new giant tortoise?
These fellows aren’t right for that 3rd floor walkup in Queens. But if mom and dad are struggling through some nasty empty nest, the rusty swingset in the backyard could make a great base to a tortoise shelter. But if you absolutely have your heart set on being the urban tortoise guru, make sure you have a small plot of land behind your aspiring chillwave band’s semi-renovated-factory recording space.
2. This big guy is great, but what the heck do I feed him? And will I go broke?
Here is solid proof that your new giant tortoise is cooler than you - dude is the ultimate veggie, local, vegan. Next time you make that Trader Joe’s run and you’re pushing an overflowing mini cart of vegetables, you’ll more easily catch the intrigued eye of cool-glasses-wearing-hottie buying too much hummus, because you’ll look like you have the diet of a stoned Popeye. Ice is broken.
And will you go broke? Get your lazy hungover butt out of bed this weekend like you and your friends over-passionately promised each other you would at the height of the party last night, and get to the farmer’s market.
3. How will my giant tortoise live?
Lonely? Well giant tortoises don’t have the ice-cold heartless nature of your ex. Reptiles actually have more personality than the average internet troll. Follow the tips in this video, and these guys could keep you company up to 100 years. So quit “only when I drink” smoking those p-funks, or else your tortoise will live 2 of your lifetimes.