10 Things You Only Care About After College

Post-grads, you aren’t alone. You win some, you lose some. posted on

1.

In college, you pretty much bought whatever you could at the grocery store to get by, ie ramen, Kraft macaroni and cheese, etc. However, for some reason post college you decided that you should probably start buying healthier, more varied food items. But fuck going to Whole Foods because that shit is just way too expensive.

2.

A lot of people really, truly cared about their college’s teams during their 4 (or 5 or 6) years as an undergrad. But for a lot of us 23 to 25 year olds, games during college were often overlooked, even really big ones were just kind of an excuse to get drunk. Nowadays, you go to the bar to watch nearly every game. You care, like, so damn much about getting to the playoffs, oh, and fuck whatever school you went to man ‘cause my team’s totally gonna win! Yes, mr. bouncer, I’ll calm down.

3.

While in college, you thought LinkedIn was perhaps the lamest thing to ever be invented. Now you use it to “connect” and “network” with other Yuppies in your field. You sold out, bro, you sold out.

4.

For a lot of us, mom and dad footed the bill on college, rent, drinking money and glorious, glorious cable. Then came the real world. We’re paying off the student loans, paying rent, spending nearly all of our paychecks on drinking and realizing that cable just isn’t worth the 40 extra bucks a month. Thank God for Netflix, where we pay 7.99 a month for unlimited access to every single series from Swamp People to Gossip Girl. In college, all you watched was Family Guy, now you actually are super into Mad Men, Breaking Bad and watch Downton Abbey when you just want to stay in and drink tea. You’re kind of lame but it’s okay because Ancient Aliens is actually a really interesting show when you give it a chance.

5.

In college, every hour was happy. Not so much anymore. In fact, at least 10 hours of the day now pretty much usually suck. You’re held way too accountable for your actions and have outlook reminders and shit. Think about your college self making a fucking outlook reminder. Yeah, we know you just shuddered. This is why post college twentysomethings try to get to glorious Happy Hour at least two to three times a week. If we can’t go out until 4 am every night anymore, we’re at least going to black the fuck out at 7 PM and be in bed by 11. Cheers.

6.

In college, we day drank. A Lot. But it was much different than all-you-can drink brunch. It was more…wake up at noon, eat the leftover pizza from the night before, then go buy a case of beer and play flip cup all day. Now it’s more, make a reservation for 8, go and have unlimited mimosas for two hours while eating Eggs Benedict and blacking out in the classiest way possible.

7.

In college you hated when you had nightly reading for a class. Now you buy books off of Amazon and are in book clubs. Your coworkers recommend New York Times bestsellers to you in elevators. And you know what? You actually love it.

8.

“And what can I get you?” “Oh, um, just a bud light.” RIP Natty Light. No longer do you down the finest of the beers: Keystone Light, Natural Ice, Milwaukee’s Best. No, no, now for your cheap go to beer, you drink Bud Light. Although, if they offered Keystone at the bar, you might go ahead and make that the old staple again..unless of course, you’re trying to get laid.

9.

In college, you didn’t pay rent. Your dad did. Now, you pay rent. And you know what? It fucking sucks. But what’s the greatest thing ever? Having money left over that’s all for you…which lasts about one or two nights out in these goddamn cities.

10.

You used to sleep until 1 pm…on a Tuesday. Shit, you missed Finite Mathematics, TV Studio Production and A Survey of American History! Oh right, you don’t give a fuck. You’re a college student, so roll back over and go to sleep. Not anymore, you now actually either accidentally wake up at 10 am on Saturdays because you’re so used to waking up early or you actually enjoy getting up early so you can seize this beautiful Saturday off! …and then go get rip roaringly drunk at Brunch.

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