1. You could settle every argument by jousting.
Landlord says you’re late on rent? Joust ‘em for it. Roommate forgot to take out the trash? Joust ‘em for it. Everyone saying your obsession with jousting to solve all your problems is getting out of hand? Joust ‘em for it.
2. Animals could be put on trial for any wrongdoings.
In the case of House Cat Vs. Your Sweet New Ikea Sofa, we find the defendant, Fluffy McWhiskerpaws, guilty by Animal Court of Law. We sentence him to five thousand kissy-wisses. Dismissed.
3. Immaculately painted portraits > Facebook selfies.
Every. Single. Time.
That said, even medieval portraiture wasn’t wholly exempt from duckface.
4. No silverware? No problem.
The middle ages made it socially acceptable to eat everything with your bare hands like a big fat slob. Bonus: you didn’t have to wash any dishes when you were done! Take that, Adulthood!
5. Beer was flowing like water. Literally.
Mostly because the drinking water was so unsanitary that the boiled — thus germ-free — beer was a much safer alternative. Oh, the sacrifice!
6. Words were just cooler back then.
Goblet, flagon, tankard > tall, grande, venti. Deal with it.
7. You could live in castles, cottages, towers, and manors.
Basically, no matter what your living situation was it already beat the hell out of looking for a shoebox studio on Craigslist.
8. Medieval fashion was the best fashion.
And thus, not a pair of skinny pantaloons was seen across the land, and it was good.
9. You could own as many swords as you want and nobody would bat an eyelash.
And you could buy them from real-life blacksmiths, not cheesy late-night infomercials.
10. You could get away with bathing once a month and nobody would call you out on it.
Real talk: it’s okay to be totally gross when society as a whole is totally gross.
11. The live entertainment was second to none.
Duels, jesters, bards, archery contests, jousting — it’s like every day was dinner at Medieval Times! Except you probably had a slightly better chance of losing an eye.
12. “Knight” was a completely viable career option.
Be honest: when was the last time someone endorsed you for “Dragon Slaying” or “Saving Maidens” on LinkedIn?