1. May 1: Mother Goose Day instead of May Day
Celebrate Mother Goose Day by reciting nursery rhymes and, for dinner, cooking a juicy, delicious—oh, um. Salad. Cook a juicy salad.
2. July 4: Sidewalk Egg Frying Day instead of Independence Day
We’d suggest first laying down a piece of aluminum foil, or ordering eggs that weren’t cooked on the street. Your call.
3. September 2, 2013: National Beheading Day instead of Labor Day
In related holidays, September 3 is Change Your Identity Day, September 4 is Go On The Lam Day, September 5 is Get Caught By Police Day, and September 6 is the anniversary of your life sentence.
4. September 13, 2013: Blame Someone Else Day instead of Friday the Thirteenth
Steve wrote this terrible caption. Steve’s the worst.
5. October 14, 2013: Be Bald and Free Day instead of Columbus Day
Every other day is Have Hair And Be Chained To An Endless List of Grooming Products Day.
6. October 31: Increase Your Psychic Powers Day instead of Halloween
Think of a number. Are you thinking of it? Two.
7. November 27, 2013: Pins and Needles Day instead of Chanukah
Celebrate by letting your arm fall asleep and not complaining about it, which is—in fact—an impossible feat.
8. November 28, 2013: Make Your Own Head Day instead of Thanksgiving
In all seriousness, we’re celebrating this holiday.
9. November 29, 2013: Square Dance Day instead of Black Friday
November 28 is Frantically Learn To Square Dance Day.