A Super Mario Love Story, Told Through 30 Mario Products

The Mushroom Kingdom can now be your kingdom. This is a guide to your perfect, Mario themed life.

1. Frog Mario Ring

Instant Geek Cred +2. Perfect for awkward party conversation starters.

2. Piranha Earrings

Once you’ve got the conversation rolling, don’t forget to show off your earrings.

“I thought my ears needed a little more omnom, so I bought these.”

3. Chain Chomp Earrings

Perhaps mention how you had to choose between pairs.

“Because how do you choose between dangling omnoms?”

4. 1up Earrings

Of course, in the end, you chose these:

“I thought they might bring a little more life to my ears. Ha. Ha.”

5. Mario and Luigi High Five Shoes

Now, you don’t want the whole conversation to be about yourself.

Be sure to complement the other individual on their awesome shoes.

Trust me, they’ll be flattered.

6. Mario Plush Keychains

They’ll show the awkward plush keychain they bought at San Francisco’s Fisherman’s Wharf.

You’ll poke Mario’s belly. It is predictably soft.

7. Mario MacBook Decal

They’ll probably mention the awesome Mario decal on their MacBook.

You mention that you’re a PC person. It’s an awkward silence, but the two of you laugh it off.

8. Super Mario Mousepad

This reminds you to tell them about your awesome mousepad.

They’re impressed. They’d really like to see that mousepad, someday.

9. Mario Monopoly

This might be a good time to invite the other person over for a friendly game of Monopoly.

10. Mario Checkers

Of course, if Monopoly isn’t their thing, you mention that you could always play checkers.

11. Mario Themed Wine Stopper

Either way, you’ll probably want to pull out the Good Stuff for this date.

It’s the perfect thing to plug that $200 of wine you’ve been saving for this occasion, you wonderful romantic fool, you.

12. Mario and Co. Moustache Shot Glasses

You won’t want to finish all the Good Stuff in one go, however.

So, here’s a party game. Start up the original Mario, trade off lives and levels, take shots each time you die.

Congrats, it’s World 3 and you’re drunk.

13. Hand Painted Large Box of Awesome

Next thing you know, you’ve hauled out the best container, and you’re taking turns vocally reenacting this scene from Se7en:

“What’s in the baaaawks!”

Giggles are had. Winks. Nudges.

14. Action Figures From The Super Mario Movie

Inside the box is, in fact, your collection of awful action figures from the Super Mario Bros movie.

There was laughter, and then severe disappointment, remembering that the film existed.

But you knew how to cheer the two of you up.

15. Mushroom Touch Lamp

For some seriously sexy mood lighting, you bought this a few days ago.

16. Block Lamp

And this.

Both of which you offered to show them.

Mentioning that these things were in your bedroom.

There are too many jokes to be made here about mushrooms and things getting bigger and warp pipes, but… we’ll skip those.

17. 8-bit Mario Cutting Board

The next morning, making breakfast, you’ll mention how the board could only be better if they had used the Super Mario 2 Mario. Because of the veggies you’re dicing, see.

It doesn’t matter. You’re making them breakfast. On a Mario cutting board. It’s already the best day ever.

18. Mario Cat Hat

After that, it’s probably time to meet the animal family.

“Meet Mewrio.”

Mewrio says Mew.

You quickly mention that you hope they’re not allergic.

Luckily, they’re not. (Phew)

19. Yoshi Friendship Bracelet

Before you know it, it’s time to break out that risky first year anniversary gift.

Don’t worry, it’s an instant swoon.

20. Super Mario Greeting Cards

You give them this card, and mention that sometimes it feels like you’ve accidentally taken the warp zone pipe.

They tell you that they love the card, and agree, saying:

“Life is like a warp pipe. A really good one.”

Warm fuzzies all around.

21. Painting of Mario and Luigi as Ghostbusters

They got you this - and don’t even mention that it cost them $1,200.

Worth it, every penny. That’s what they’re thinking.

See, I know this, because I’m Omniscient.

22. Super Mario Gummies

Omnomniscient.

The two of you munch on a box of these while you gaze out the hotel window, wishing the clouds had a few less pixels.

23. Peach and Mario Themed Wedding Attire

You feel like you’ve hit a warp pipe again - the day of your wedding is here.

Perhaps it looked something like this.

Perhaps there were two Marios - perhaps there were two Peaches.

Either way, it was glorious.

24. Super Mario Bow Tie

One thing is for sure - if any bow ties were worn, they definitely looked like this.

25. Mario Themed Wedding Cake

Your cake was a thing of wonder. You almost couldn’t bear to cut it.

26. Maternity Photo Frame

Now, the two of you have talked about it, and decided that you’re probably going to be needing one of these at some point.

27. Onesie For Little Ones

And then, one of these.

28. Mario Wall Decals

You’ve got the nursery covered. Easy peasy, that one.

29. Coin Block Piggy Bank

And, once they’re a few years old, you’ll need to get them their very own piggy bank.

Note: Keep away from plumbers.

30. Hand-knit Mario Cap

The holidays roll around again, and it’s time for the annual Christmas Card Photo.

This year, you’ve got one of these - one of each size, for every family member.

Best. Photo. Ever.

On the card, you write:

Life is like a warp zone. A really good one.

FIN.

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