Why Melbourne Seems To Take Themselves Way Too Seriously

Don’t get your knickers in a twist, guys! Spread that Melbourne love I know you all have! (COMEDIC REBUTTAL. GET OVER IT.)

1. On Wednesday night I posted my debut contribution to Buzzfeed. It has hit 33K views and climbing. Woah!

I also got lots of love heart things, whatever they are. And the yellow LOL’s…thank you so much!

2. I honestly thought I was going to get reader backlash from comments I made such as this:

3. But instead, of all my backlash hate was directed towards one particular remark.

4. Yep. Somehow this was mega offensive.

5. Melbourne; lighten the fuck up!

6. I thought you were renowned around the world for being able to handle a joke?

7. I guess not.

8. Seriously. The reaction from you guys was as if I had typed something up like this.

(I did it in italic Comic Sans to make it extra offensive looking.)

9. This comment was my favourite. I laughed at it for about an hour

(I know. I have no life.)

10. Last time I checked, Melbourne was still a part of Australia. MOST OF AUSTRALIA IS NAMED AFTER THINGS FROM THE BRITISH MONARCHY AND COMMONWEALTH.

BT-DUBS, London isn’t a country…it is an individual city. Just FYI.

11. Melbourne itself (like, the entire fucking city) is named after a BRITISH Prime Minister (like, of England) named LORD MELBOURNE.

Look at those epic sideburns. HUGH JACKMAN’S WOLVERINE AIN’T GOT SHIT!

12. Port Phillip Bay? Named after a radical fucking governor who was appointed by King Wills and Queen V herself.

How Lady GaGa hasn’t appropriated this fashion look yet, is a mystery. DAT HAT.

13. There is one thing you got right though…Sydney’s street layout is fucked up! But that was part of the original post and joke.

Because it is built around a natural ocean harbour and sprawled largely unplanned until the 1930’s. This is part of the reason why our traffic is so bad.

14. Another thing you got right! Melbourne has amazing fashion, sporting and entertainment. But so does Sydney, honey boo boos.

15. MBFW is held in Sydney.

Mercedes Benz Fashion Week, for all you non-Anna Wintour types.

That’s the fashion week that is also in FUCKING NEW YORK CITY.

16. Collette-fucking-Dinnigan started her fashion label in Sydney. She does fashion shit for Paris!

17. We also host different international sports in each of our respective cities. That makes both of our cities sporting capitals.

And the Gold Coast is the F1 motor sport capital (pictured), and that poor place isn’t even in this city debacle!

18. Also, you may host the majority of commercial media and television (YAWN)

19. But we have freaking Home and Away.

20. and Ricky Martin (albeit temporarily)

Gyrate on those delicious lemons.

21. Every larger city in the world has drive by shootings, hunty. You’re making out like Sydney is in the middle of Philadelphia or some shit.

22. Besides, don’t you guys have Broadmeadows and Frankston?

Speaking of, BOTH NAMED AFTER THINGS IN ENGLAND.

23. Basically, you always harp on about how much better you are than everyone else. You’re the Gretchen Wieners of Australia.

24. But this isn’t a post of hate. This is a post to signal a time to put things to rest. And a post of love!

25. Sydney and Melbourne are ALWAYS going to have a historic rivalry. It began since before Federation. That’s why Canberra exists.

We were both too sassy to give up our place as the Capital City of Australia. (BTW, we let you have it temporarily because we felt bad about your toddler temper tantrum.)

26. Melbourne is better than Sydney.

27. (AT. SOME. THINGS.)

Like Brunswick Street. Holy shit that place was hipster heaven on a stick!
Your alleyway cafes and bars are amazing too!

28. So let’s celebrate why our cities are amazing, instead of contantly getting our knickers in a twist.

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