Stereotypical American Weddings

Weddings are a delight. With all the free grub, booze and dancing, not to mention the occasional show of entertaining (if a bit embarrassing) drunken drama courtesy of Uncle Bob or Aunt Daisy or fourth cousin Jimmy, weddings are indeed a handful of fun. This is even more the case when the couple at the center of all the merriment belongs to a specific demographic, or stereotype if you must. This means one thing: an affair oozing with character and idiosyncrasies that will give even the most jaded guests dear memories to recall after the couple’s divorce settlement. But we’re getting way ahead of ourselves here. Without further ado, here are six stereotypical American weddings that are not to be missed.

1. The Sports Fan

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Sports fans are a competitive bunch. It is only fitting that their wedding feels like Super Bowl Sunday. Expect lots of yelling, clapping, cursing, and of course, a latent need from both the bride and the groom to upstage each other. Here, all bets are off. Unwelcomed Guests: Wimps (aka Gamers) and Sore Losers (aka Rednecks)

2. Rednecks

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Most people consider the term redneck derogatory. But with popular TV shows like Duck Dynasty and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, this word is slowly being engraved in the mainstream consciousness of the American public in a positive light. After all, who wouldn't want to be invited to Honey Boo Boo’s wedding with a third generation scruffy Robertson who happens to be a fan of beauty pageants? Unwelcome Guests: Anyone who thinks Gwyneth Paltrow is okay.

3. Non-conformists

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Non-conformists are a hard bunch to pin down. Just when you think they would go a certain way, they do the exact opposite. With this in mind, when invited to a non-conformist’s wedding it is best to leave all expectations outside the door (the door which will most likely be nothing more than a curtain or a vegetable-adorned arc) because anything goes. More importantly, do not buy them gifts! You can’t get more conventional than that.

Unwelcome Guests: Everyone who belongs to a particular group or demographic. This means a self-professed non-conformist is out of place. It is a paradox, deal with it.

4. Hipsters

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Hipsters are quite exclusive. Just to get an invite to a hipsters’ wedding is something to write home about (on a specialty tree-hugger paper of course.) Anyone who receives an invitation to the wedding of a Yoko-Ono and John-Lennon wannabe couple should make the most out of the experience and try their darnedest to act bored the whole time. Also it doesn’t hurt to memorize the lyrics to all of Sigur Ros’ songs before showing up at the party. Good luck with that.

Unwelcome Guests: Beliebers and OneDirectioners and TaylorSwifters (if there is such a thing)

5. Gangsters

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Gangsters know how to have fun. Don’t ever be misled by the seriousness of The Godfather or The Sopranos. In fact gangsters are more flamboyant than uptight and this is quite evident by the wedding parties they throw. They shoot guns as opposed to lighting fireworks. They serve real food that gets you fat and real booze that gets you wasted. They dance to Cher and Madonna. They kill it.

Unwelcome Guests: The IRS and The Police (the real police, not Sting).

6. Gamers

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Gamers are like Sports Fans in terms of their drive to compete and win. The only difference is that Gamers have flabs here and there while Sports Fans got muscles. If there’s one thing going for Gamers, it has to be their competence in anything and everything that an average Sports Fan finds complicated (changing channels for instance.)

When it comes to how Gamers tie the knot…

Well, let’s just say they push all the right and winning buttons, or keys, for that matter.

Unwelcome Guests: Muscled Sports Fans