2. You know what’ll happen. Tomorrow, your friends will reference an inside joke and you’ll be completely out of the loop.
3. Now, be honest. You’ve watched every episode of Frasier on Netflix already.
And you know that the brothers Crane will be there when you get back.
4. And look! Your hair has that chic, effortless “haven’t-washed-it-in-a-day-and-slept-on-it-for-a-few-hours” look. Flaunt it.
5. That noise you just heard was your Craigslist roommate coming home with three pints of ice cream - which is a sure sign that she had a bad day and will talk ceaselessly at you about it.
6. Oh and by the way, you’ve got no food in your apartment. Seriously. None. Not even a condiment to eat with a spoon.
All your spoons are dirty, anyway.
7. And, be real - the food at the bar will be better than any garbage stir-fry you’d end up throwing together anyway.
8. Who knows, maybe you’re meant to meet your soulmate tonight?
9. And if you go out, you won’t need to run the AC for a few hours. Think of the money you’ll save!
10. Come on. The pattern on your couch is starting to leave a permanent indent in your thighs.
11. Besides, your cat needs some alone time. Your hermit tendencies as of late have been bumming her out.
12. And if you play that Jock Jams playlist you’re so fond of one more time, your neighbors will motion to have you evicted at the next co-op meeting.
You’re running out of options, here.
13. Remember the guy that had no respect for your personal space on the subway today? Yeah. You deserve a reward for putting up with that.
14. Oh and you know that your mother will think you don’t have friends if you fail to regularly update your Instagram with proof negating that claim.
15. And really - who understands you better than your local bartender?
Be honest. He’s your emergency contact.