Ten NYE Resolutions Barack Obama Should Think About Making

by Emily Zanotti for FreedomWorks America's fearless leader has had a rough year. We thought we could do him a favor, though, while he relaxes on a Hawaiian beach in his downtime, and put together a list of suggested New Year's resolutions that might help make for a happier 2014.

10. Get Someone on Those Poll Numbers

Via pichaus.com

Back during the campaign, David Axelrod would get results when Gallup went off the beaten path and exposed shaky approval ratings. Clearly, his replacement isn't as good at making nasty phone calls, because these latest poll numbers are making George W. Bush look popular by comparison.

9. Make Better Friends with Joe Biden

The man said that Barack Obama doesn't even get him a Christmas present. I mean, come on. Can't he spare a couple of bucks for a studded denim jacket or an REO Speedwagon retrospective?

8. Work On That Handicap

After 2013, it doesn't matter much that Barack spends a good deal of time on the golf course with his big money donors. Given what's come of his accomplishments, it might be best if he doesn't undertake too much in the coming year.

7. Attend a Couple of Those Congressional Mixers

Via mashable,com

As a President ineligible for another term, Barack Obama has about 18 months to fulfill his full slate of second campaign promises. He's already used 12 of those months, and any accomplishments in the next six will have to come with Congressional cooperation. The problem? According to Congress, Barack Obama hates them and hasn't shown up to their parties since 2007. Might want to change that.

6. Set Smaller, More Achievable Goals.

Via forwhomthecowbelltolls.com

As 2014 nears, the President's real agenda is still waiting to be called up for 2013. It seems that, despite grand ideas about the Congressional work ethic, most of the items on the President's priority list either failed (ahem, Healthcare.gov), or took on more of a sheen than a true sparkle (Patty Murray and Paul Ryan eked out a compromise budget deal under the wire, to avoid a shutdown showdown around the holidays). Maybe next year he should think about doing simpler things, like getting the cafeteria to offer more gluten free options.

5. Think Before You Speak, Or At Least Before You Read the Tele-Promp-Ter

Via funnyordie.com

Keep your doctor? Keep your plan? The Administration knew back in 2010 those wouldn't be options for people who purchased their own insurance once Obamacare took effect. HHS also delayed the business mandate for those with employer-sponsored plans knowing it would cause even more chaos in the insurance marketplace, but he went ahead and made those claims anyway, hoping nearly six million Americans wouldn't notice. Guys, it's never better to ask forgiveness than permission.

4. Get to Know The Little People in Charge of Network Security

Edward Snowden may have been unclear on which global powerhouses were, in fact, privacy-denying totalitarian regimes, dooming him to spend a couple of weeks hanging out in a Moscow airport Cinnabon, but the NSA still isn't clear on what he stole, and he's been slowly leaking information ever since he skipped town for Hong Kong - some of which has halted the NSA's massive cellphone data collection operation for key litigants.

3. Peel that "Department of Peace" Sticker Off the Presidential Hybrid

Via nesn.com

If you were longing for a hawkish foreign policy to take root in the Obama Administration, 2013's Syria conflict granted your wish. Apparently lacking any ability to learn from history, John Kerry almost committed America to opening a new front in the Middle East. We say "almost" because a last-minute verbal gaffe from the Secretary of State gave the US an opportunity to negotiate an international strategy.

2. Get to Know Your West Wing Coworkers Again

This year, it became clear that Barack Obama is the last person to find out, well, pretty much everything. Maybe he just doesn't have anything in common with his coworkers, which keeps him holed up in his office, eating lunch at his desk while watching Breaking Bad on Netflix every day, but it's starting to get a little wearisome.

1. Learn How to Use the Internet

Via pandawhale.com

Whether it was Healthcare.gov's epic meltdown, the NSA's World of Warcraft terror sweep, or an executive decision to market government health insurance with pictures of cuddly animals in the wake of a massive, nationwide loss of insurance coverage, there were a few White House mis-steps in the virtual realm. Maybe next year they could employ the First Daughters for a little "consulting."