Tallguy
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    • Tallguy

      BTW, in case it isn’t clear,Ithink that you, Kyle, are correct to note how hard it is to talk about this and the stigma involved with even having these conversations. I’m willing to takeacalculated and contextual risk from time to time.Ithink most people are. AndIthink what drives me to be open to that is the same thing that you’re describing.Ijust come down on this atadifferent point in the continuum of risky behavior (rules for me: unprotected sex is rare, no unprotected sex with men who are poz, no one gets off inside me, no drugs-EVER, clear and sober conversation about status with all partners, only doing unprotected sex with friends, only doing unprotected sex with men who aren’t having lots of high-risk sex, and ensuring that my partners have been tested very recently-sometimes in front of me).  And for those who are moralizing in the posts here, they should know or acknowledge that LOTS of people are taking such risks all the time. I’d love to see more people making “safer” risk choices, so to speak, but I’d say of the men I’ve had sex with in the past 5-10 years, those who were consistent and insistent on condom use were the minority.Asmall minority. AndItend not to have sex with guys who would be defined as particularly wild in their sexual behavior, soIcan only imagine what it would be like to haveareally representative body of sexually active gay and bi men.

    • Tallguy

      I commend you for such an honest discussion.Iamagay man and do bareback once inawhile with casual partners (we’re talking maybe 5-6 guys in the past3years), but with whatIthink isaMAJOR difference.  Unlike the situation with the French guy that you described, in which you didn’t know him at all, didn’t talk about HIV status, and saw him engaging inahigh-risk behavior strongly associated with HIV and STD transmission,Ihave only ever done it with guys whoIconsider friends (some were close friends, some were casual friends) AFTER talking clearly about HIV status, their recent and general sexual history, and AFTER both of us testing for HIV. Inacouple of cases, we did the testing together, which can now be done at home with the home-use rapid tests. In the other cases,Iknew that they had been tested withinafew days or weeks of our encounters.
      Iof course realize that men can and do lie and there is stillarisk here because of that. To that,Ican only say thatItrust my judgment of character and of these guys who are menIhave ongoing connections with and we share friends in common.Ialso of course realize thatarecent HIV test might have missedavery recent infection-something within the past month or so. That is whyItry to getasense of their recent sexual activity. If their answers to that don’t feel right,Iwon’t do it.  And finally,Ihave never let anyone ejaculate inside of me-the single riskiest activity of them all. AmIstill takingarisk? Of course. Butacalculated one and one thatIfeel is categorically different than the situation you have described. The term in HIV prevention for whatIhave done is serosorting and more conversation on that would be very helpful.