Culture Buzz “There is no harder thing than to have Glenn Beck outlive your child.” Gotcha Media
Culture Buzz One of our youngest American Heroes tells his heartwarming tale. On a side note: The ONN can get really, unsettlingly morbid when it wants to.
A gripping exchange on the brutal “minotaur maze” detainee interrogations. This is the first cable news I've watched in months; I've really been missing out. (Yes yes, I know, “fake.”)
Culture Buzz “If you put a girl in a sundress & french braids in front of the average pedophile, now he's gonna get an erection that will rip his bike shorts.” Classic, essential advice from an ex-pedophile on how to protect your children from sexual predators.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/cambridge_cop... ![[link]](http://s2.buzzfeed.com/static/images/public/icons/external-link2.png){kind=icon}
Upon arriving late to his meeting with President Barack Obama and famed African-American intellectual Henry Louis Gates, Cambridge Police mistakenly arrested Gates for a second time.
The Onion reports about President Obama's visit to a Denny's in Manassas, Virginia. Things will be different from now on.
Culture Buzz A dorm-fire mystery is solved by clever police detectives piecing together the evidence provided by 40,000 insipid party pics taken on students' iPhones.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/michael_bay_signs_50...
“The studio decided only Bay could be relied upon to deliver a 220-minute cinematic clusterf*ck with enough tedious performances, overblown cinematography, and CGI explosions to make even the most casual fan want to scratch their eyes out.” This is one of those Onion parodies that's going to be funny right up until the point that it comes true.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/panicked_sweat_cover...
The Pope has just announced that, on second thought, having an abortion is “not that big a deal.”
Are you annoyingly happy? Despondex could be right for you. The Onion News Network reports on a promising new treatment for excessive perkiness.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29938?utm_source=twi...
The zesty, Mexican-style entree prevents unwanted pregnancies if ingested within 36 hours following intercourse.
Culture Buzz We've all quietly wondered about this question, but most of us have probably been afraid of what the answer might be. Are violent video games really going to be enough to prepare our children when the end times come?
Culture Buzz The Onion investigates: Are violent games teaching children the much-needed skills of zombie killing and mutant beheading? Will they be able to find bullet and health packs in the irradiated future we all face?
Tech Buzz The Onion brings you the latest on frustratingly inane “technology” from Sony. Warning: There are Christian Bale-esque levels of swearing ahead.
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/cheney_dunk_tank_rai...
Organizers reported Sunday that the 44th White House Carnival was a rousing success, raising a record $800,000,066,845 for the federal government—$800 billion of which came from a dunk tank featuring former vice president Dick Cheney. Everyone who participated in the carnival is very lucky that Obama is closing Guantanamo. Cheney holds a grudge.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/bush_tours_america_...
Thousands of people are dead and millions are without health care in the wake of the Bush presidency. Today Bush is touring some of the affected areas and meeting with victims of this disaster. Everyone please note, if it is from the Onion News Network, it is not real.
Tech Buzz The Onion reports on Apple's newest offering, the MacBook Wheel.
http://store.theonion.com/cards_giftboxes-c-21.html
Empty fake boxes — the USB Toaster! the Pro Whisk Set! — are a hilarious gift gag. The real joke: Paying $8 for an amusing, empty cardboard box.
The Onion News Network takes a look at how thousands of Obama-obsessed young people now have nothing to fill their empty lives. Which is crazy, because we totally have plenty to think and talk about, like: what kind of puppy will the Obamas get?
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