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onn
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How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him
Culture Buzz The Onion shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.
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Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile
Celebrity Buzz Truly shocking news about Bieber from the Onion News Network. He still sings like an angel, though.
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ONN Reports: Victim in Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck
Culture Buzz I wonder how Glenn Beck's new site The Blaze would have reported this tragedy. RIP Rebecca Bunten.
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Non-Racist Man Almost Assassinates Obama
Politics Buzz “Ultimately to allay all suspicions of racism, Croft decided to shoot the president with a cross bow with a list of black historical figures taped to the arrow. But the FBI apprehended Croft while he was parked in a car outside the White House listening to Sly and the Family Stone.” (via Gotcha Media)
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NASA to Approach Girl by 2018
Science Buzz “How do you respond to critics who believe the organization is risking another tragedy like the 2002 'girl in Borders bookstore' disaster?” Gotcha Media
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NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018
Tech Buzz NASA has been working on this plan for decades. The team is in the early stages of development of a joke which we can use to break the ice. (Via Giagantor.)
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Congo's AK-47 Stimulus Package
Politics Buzz Nice touch with the French, Onion News Network. Very authentic. “Now we can go to the garbage dump to rummage for building supplies without worrying about the rebels raping us to death. Now I'm my own boss.” Gotcha Media
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Video: Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster'
Discovered in the browser of an old desktop, experts believe that the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.
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Video: Ancient Social Network Discovered
An Internet archaeologist has uncovered the remains of an ancient social network that mysteriously blinked out of existence in AD 2005. Thanks for the tip, Patrick!
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DEA Hires Lil Wayne To Do All The Drugs In Mexico (VIDEO)
Celebrity Buzz Probably the best idea from the people who brought you the War on Drugs since those 'This is you brain on drugs' videos.
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Link: Cho Oyu
http://www.google.com/trends/hottrends?q=cho+oyu&date...
![[link]](http://s3-ak.buzzfed.com/static/images/public/icons/external-link2.png)
Cho Oyu is the sixth highest mountain in the world. Cho Oyu lies in the Himalayas and is 20 km west of Mount Everest, at the border between China and Nepal. Cho Oyu means “Turquoise Goddess” in Tibetan.
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Little Boy Shoots, Heroically Mutilates Burgler
Culture Buzz One of our youngest American Heroes tells his heartwarming tale. On a side note: The ONN can get really, unsettlingly morbid when it wants to.
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Video: Jaguars Ponder Meaninglessness of Existence
Football season starts today! In celebration of that fact, i give you this masterpiece from the ONN. It is about the Jacksonville Jaguars, who had a full-blown existential crisis this week when a coin toss to decide the kickoff brought them face to face with the at-best murky quality of their own status as agents.
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Ex-Pedophile Shares Child-Safety Tips
Culture Buzz “If you put a girl in a sundress & french braids in front of the average pedophile, now he's gonna get an erection that will rip his bike shorts.” Classic, essential advice from an ex-pedophile on how to protect your children from sexual predators.
