CELEBRITY BUZZ: Meet the first future Mrs. Jonas, America! Danielle is 22 and a former hairdresser living in NJ. She and Kevin Jonas (the “Other) met in the Bahamas and have been dating for almost two years, which is the generally approved courtship length for virgin rockstars.

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The Best Links:

1. Kevin Jonas Gets Engaged!
2. “He surprised deleasa, a former hairdresser, with a cushion-cut diamond ring he codesigned with jacob & co. by showing up at her new jersey home this morning.”
3. Purity Ring for Sale
4. Here is the ring!
5. One Of The Jonas Brothers Is Finally Going To Get His Cherry Popped
6. One more photo of Danielle.

The gift that keeps on giving, Beyoncé's pop smash-cum-viral sensation was the catalyst for this painful-looking mishap. Now if only that were that Jonas gal behind the mask instead… [NOTE: CLICK ON THE VIDEO TO WATCH, AS IT'S NOT EMBEDDABLE! ]

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Link: http://jonassecrets.tumblr.com/

A dark Post Secrets Tumblr devoted entirely to the Jonas Brothers (guaranteed 100% authentic). You know someone (probably a grown woman) who feels this way about the Jonas Brothers. You don't think you do, but you do.

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MOVIE BUZZ: The Jonas Brothers plan their bigscreen debut in a movie based on the popular kids book about a fat dog with a flatulence problem. I’m not sure how a farting movie will appeal to preteen girls, but then I was never really sure about the appeal of the Jonas Brothers, which is why I don’t run a movie studio.

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The Best Links:

1. “Walter” in Variety
2. Jonas Brothers - Featured on BuzzFeed
3. “Walter the Farting Dog” Book
4. Jump a Jonas - Featured on BuzzFeed
5. Walter the Farting Dog Toy

CELEBRITY BUZZ: A Michigan radio station is holding a contest in which the winner will earn $10,000 for proving they have taken the virginity of one of the Jonas Brothers (except the youngest because, oh yeah, he’s SIXTEEN). And pop radio continues to redefine the meaning of “teenybopping.”

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The Best Links:

1. For $500 More, Take a Pic of Yourself Defiling One of the Boys’s Purity Rings
2. “Biological Proof” is Also Required. Ew.
3. 104.5 WSNX

CELEBRITY BUZZ: “Bonus Jonas my ASS” is the fake diary of forgotten Frankie Jonas. As with Fake Steve Jobs, you don’t need to know much about the real Jonas Brothers to get a kick out of this. Select quotes: “My brother Joe’s always busy practicing taking off his purity ring as fast as possible” and “I like Metallica, Crocs, gettin’ paid, gettin’ laid and getting spayed (kittens only!). JK except for the kittens part!”

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The Best Links:

1. Bonus Jonas My ASS
2. What Would “Mad Men” Characters Do?
3. All the Sad Young Gossip Girls

MUSIC BUZZ: Disney’s next relentlessly pushed tween heroes love God, wear chastity rings. With their movie, Camp Rock , coming out on Friday (on the Disney Channel, anyway), the Jonas Brothers are about to launch a massive tour, followed later by an album in August. They look clean-cut and say they won’t have sex until married, but you know how that has turned out in the past.

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The Best Links:

1. Weltanschaung: Awesome!
2. There is a 100% Chance of Jonas Brothers This Week
3. How to Tell Your Jonas Brothers Apart
4. They Sound Scarily Rehearsed, Even in Interviews
5. The Jonas Brothers — They’re Oh So Wholesome and Non-Threatening!!!
6. Resistance is Futile!