What Your Hometown Says About You

Based on an entirely non-scientific conversation. Sorry, everyone.

“People from Manchester have naturally waterproof skin.”
“They understand the importance of eating before you go out.”
“Having invented quite a lot of the modern world, Mancunians have a lot to live up to. I suspect they’re fairly anxious about that.”
“People from Manchester put gravy on everything.”
“I think Mancunians exaggerate their accents to impress people. I know people with incredibly broad Manchester accents, which disguise quite how posh they are.”
“People from Manchester aren’t happy, but they’re not unhappy about it.”

“People from Edinburgh are profoundly cool.”
“If you go to Edinburgh, someone will ask you to a ceilidh within five minutes. Guaranteed.”
“The only right-wing people in Scotland live in Edinburgh.”
“People from Edinburgh have a mental map of where all the best chip shops are.”
“None of them stick around for the festival. They all rent out their flats and go on holiday to the Bahamas with the proceeds.”

“People from Somerset tell anecdotes that go on for a long time, but always have a good punchline.”
“It’s quite spiritual, Somerset. You could really find yourself there.”
“They’re all nuts for crystals.”
“Somerset has the highest density of acupuncturists in the country.”
“Somersetters look really sad when you don’t know someone they thought was a mutual friend.”

“It’s just posh students in Exeter, isn’t it?”
“No, there are nice residents there as well.”
“They view going up to London as quite a big trip, so they don’t really bother.”
“And they’ve all nearly learnt to surf at least four times. Without success.”

“People from Leicester are very enthusiastic kissers.”
“Yes, they’re the kind of people whose lips make contact with your actual cheeks when they air kiss you.”
“They spend all their time shopping. Literally no one else in Leicester does anything else.”
“Leicester people are very cheerful. They never get depressed.”
“And they love pork pies.”

“People in Bristol are very fit because of all the hills they have to walk up.”
“Lots of nice hippies live in Bristol. I imagine they meditate a lot.”
“About 20% of the women in Bristol are called Gemma. And 25% of the men are Marks.”
“They’re big fans of getting into work slightly early so they can leave promptly at the end of the day.”
“And then they spend their evenings on that cider boat. You’ve got to love a city that has a cider boat.”
“Even teenagers in Bristol are cooler than most adults.”
“There are drugs that got boring in Bristol before you even knew they existed.”

Hull is soooo cultural.”

Birmingham is good at roundabouts. They’re world leaders at roundabouts.”
“Lots of Brummies are very nostalgic for Birmingham. This is because they have left Birmingham, which calls into question the legitimacy of their nostalgia.”
“Really nice accent, unfairly maligned.”
“I would trust someone from Birmingham to fix my Wi-Fi if they popped round.”
“Brummies are very experimental in the kitchen.”

Bangor is mostly just old people’s homes and betting shops.”
“But everyone is incredibly friendly there. They’re the kind of people who buy crisps and nuts at the pub.”
“Funny name. Mostly students. Next…”

“Literally every good band ever came from Sheffield. They are all in bands. Only three people in Sheffield are not in bands.
“Umm, are you forgetting about Reverend and the Makers? They almost undid everyone else’s good work. ”
“I have tried to forget about Reverend and the Makers, yes.”
“I think dance music is still popular in Sheffield. Superclubs, fluffy boots, that sort of thing.”
“Sheffield is a sex city.”
“They’re very good drinkers.”

“The Isle of Man has weird cats.”
“They eat sweets called Manx Knobs, which is funny.”
“LOL, knobs.”
“They’re surprisingly good at video games. Always top of the leaderboard.”
“But everybody on the island knows everybody else, which leads to some pretty severe psychological problems.”
“That’s why they monitor their Facebook photos so closely. They’re prolific un-taggers in the Isle of Man.”

“People from Southampton are jealous of Portsmouth. They haven’t got anything as nice as the Spinnaker Tower and they’re really fucked off about it.”
“They’re good at swimming, though.”
“Yes. They won all their badges at school really quickly.”
“Strong ferry situation in Southampton.”
“And quite good parking.”
“They bloody love a sausage roll.”

“There aren’t many actual Welsh people in Cardiff. It’s basically England. Like Edinburgh.”
“People from Cardiff would always offer you directions if you were lost.”
“Although sometimes they’d throw in a couple of fake directions for a laugh. But not in a mean way.”
“I imagine it’s one of those places where the high street is absolute carnage on the weekend, but it’s all quite good natured. Happy vomiting, not angry vomiting.”
“And they have very strong opinions on drunk food.”

“People from Bath are fucking awesome. They’ll invite you ‘round for a dinner party and it will get really messy and you’ll end up dancing on tables.”
“Their pubs are always having lock-ins.”
“They hate having to describe where they’re from as ‘Near Bristol’.”
“People from Bath are very concerned about maintaining the quality of their pavements.”

Cheshire is just posh people pretending to be Northern.”
“Yes. It’s wall-to-wall WAGs.”
“It’s probably a hotbed of extramarital sex.”
“There are lots of places to get your nails done in Cheshire.”
“All their houses have gates.”
“And multiple conservatories.”

“I’d say 80% of the didgeridoo players in Britain live in Brighton.”
“There are an insane amount of sex shops in Brighton. They clearly have more sex than anyone else.”
“They vote Green, just to troll everyone else in the country.”
“And they’re really into poi.”
“Mums and dads have a good time in Brighton. It’s a good place for mums and dads.”
“And also dads and dads. And mums and mums.”

“Most twentysomethings from Liverpool have been on Shipwrecked.”
“Dance music is big in Liverpool. They called it scouse house, which makes it sound more appealing than it actually is.”
“They have a strong sense of community, Liverpudlians. Everyone knows someone who can fix your car, and they’re happy to do it for free.”
“There are statues of yellow lamb-bananas in Liverpool. They’re cool.”
“Yes. I think it’s featured in pretty much every Liverpudlian’s profile picture at some point.”

“If The Wire were remade in the U.K., it would be set in Glasgow.”
“I suspect Glaswegians would beat every other city in a drinking contest. Also a fistfight.”
“Yes. Every Glaswegian is tougher than everyone born in England ever.”
“They will often go back for seconds at the chip shop in Glasgow.”
“They’re mad into cardigans in Glasgow. It’s the satchel capital of the U.K.”
“Its official musical genre is indie pop. Lots of clubs that play Belle and Sebastian.”
“I think living in Glasgow would be cosy.”

“Has anyone ever been to Wolverhampton?”
“I think I got a train through it once.”
“It’s one of those place names that’s difficult to say without adopting the accent. Which must be annoying for people who live there. Being imitated like that.”

Surrey is full of bosses. Managing directors and the like. Their houses are enormous.”
“Surrey has the highest number of Ruperts per square kilometer in the country.”
“And they service their cars at the actual branded garage.”
“People in Surrey drink shitloads of red wine. Some of them are members of golf clubs. And they have strong opinions on the relative merits of motorways.”
“Their shelves are heaving with cookery books. And they always manage to get tickets to Wimbledon.”
“I bet they enter their dogs into beauty pageants.”

“Just partridge. Seriously. There is nothing else in Norwich.”
“That’s not true. What about their canals? They have good canals.”
“And strong local radio game.”
“Great motels, in Norwich.”
“People from Norwich watch a lot of porn. They’re really quite open about it.”
“And they ask, ‘What’re you like?’ a lot. Even when they know what you’re like.”

“People from Oxford could probably do with being taken down a peg or two.”
“They have great kebabs, though.”

“There’s a lot of offshore oil wealth in Aberdeen, so it’s quietly posh.”
“Everybody keeps an eye out for their neighbour’s property, because lots of them are away on the rigs for half the year.”
“People who live in Aberdeen are strapping.”
“Nobody from Aberdeen ever wears fewer than four layers.”
“The patio heater business in Aberdeen must do very well.”
“I can only assume the people in Aberdeen are the best people in the world because otherwise why would they put up with the climate?”

Leeds was big in the ’90s, like Britpop.”
“No, Leeds was big in the ’00s, like Mischa Barton.”
“Their pubs are functional. But nice.”
“People from Leeds hate Christmas because Santa reminds them of Ken Bates.”
“People in Leeds are friendly, welcoming and generous. But they’ll stab you over a Gregg’s steak bake.”
“It’s basically the London of Yorkshire.”

“Every household in Belfast has at least two sets of guest towels.”
“Yeah, and they’ll offer you three types of biscuit if you pop round for a visit.”
“They’d go on about the Titanic, though.”
“It wouldn’t matter. They have incredibly sexy accents.”

Gloucester is the kind of place where they describe the weather as ‘bracing’.”
“They really look forward to that bit of the year when it’s just summer-y enough that they can start cutting the grass.”
“Dads in Gloucester hug you a bit too tight, but only just because they love you so much.”
“Lot of Christophers in Gloucester.”
“They have strong opinions on pastries.”
“And cheese. They have very good cheese boards after dinner.”

Essex people go to the gym a lot.”
“There are a lot of people in Essex whose favourite colour is purple.”
“People in Essex have strong opinions about eyelashes.”
“They always go home to their parents’ house for Sunday dinner.”

Nottingham is really tidy. And public transport is punctual. There’s something very Canadian about it.”
“They go out, but know when to call it a night. They don’t go overboard.”
“Quietly confident, people from Nottingham. They know what they want and how to get it.”
“Lots of people with company cars live in Nottingham.”
“I bet they’re quietly amazing in bed.”

Newcastle is freezing, but everyone goes out wearing absolutely nothing.”
“Yes, clothing is optional in Newcastle.”
“They’re good huggers. You can imagine getting some excellent hugs, from men and women alike.”
“I bet Ant and Dec don’t live there anymore, though. Which must anger Geordies.”
“No, they live in Chiswick.”
“But I imagine there are a lot of restaurants in Newcastle with pictures of Ant and Dec on the walls from when they visited in the early ’00s.”
“Definitely one of the best accents on the planet. If one day a doctor tells me I’m dying, I hope it’s a Geordie doctor so it won’t seem as depressing.”

“No one is actually from London.”
“And the people who do come from London are very keen to let you know just how much from London they are.”
“Don’t go to London; you’ll be mugged or not appreciated.”
“All of the jobs, none of the affordable houses.”
“I feel like London must have been a nice place once, when normal people could afford to live here.”
“People from London have very strong opinions on everywhere that isn’t London, despite never having been there.”

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