1. The men wearing fancy dress.
These men may look annoying but they have their uses. Yes, they sing Grease hits out of tune and shout lewd remarks, but they have an infinite supply of Red Stripe with them. And they’ll definitely share.
2. The woman who has inexplicably decided to take a screaming baby on a busy form of public transport at 3am.
3. The drunken proposer.
Your eyes. It’s your eyes he’s fallen in love with. But, in a way, you’ve got to admire this man. If you don’t ask…
4. The Christian who just wants to make sure you’re keeping hydrated.
Why do religious people always give drunk girls water? Who cares? When it’s 3am, you’ve just stumbled out of the Roxy and you’re sweating Apple VK from every pore of your skin, water tastes like the sweetest nectar. Even if you do have to talk about your sins as you sip.
5. The couple having sex on the back seat.
It always starts so innocently. She gazes into his eyes. He places his hand on her thigh. And suddenly, before you know it, they’re aggressively making out as though their lives depend on it. Get. A. Room.
6. The girl whose Oyster card definitely does work.
You know this girl. She’s standing on the road side, crying. The bus driver briefly considers leaving her, but ends up taking pity and stopping. Her Oyster card doesn’t work. He won’t let her on. She won’t leave. You’re stuck for a good 15 minutes while she lists every top up transaction she’s made in the last month.
7. The Jay Z enthusiast.
This man provides the musical entertainment of the journey in the form of rap through his headphones. He’ll take requests, but only if they’re Jay Z.
8. The man who hasn’t eaten for 16 years and has decided to catch up now.
There’s mayonnaise dripping down his chin, chicken bones strewn around his feet and bits of chips hang from his facial hair. There’s no guarantee that this man even bought the food he’s consuming. He may have just found it on the floor of the bus and seized the opportunity.
9. The couple whose DMC has just turned into a break up.
A loud, shouty break up.
10. The night shift worker, aka the world’s sleepiest man.
Maybe he’s got his eyes closed, maybe he keeps accidentally falling asleep and hitting his head on the window or maybe he’s packed a travel pillow with him in preparation for his hour-long nighttime commute across London. With this man, there’s just one golden rule: leave him alone. He hasn’t slept in months.
11. The man with facial tattoos and severe body odour issues.
Do you know much about satanic cults? No? Well, how about he tells you about them? Six millimetres from your face.
12. The pill head.
This girl’s chatty. She’ll probably talk to you about her latest Linkedin endorsements or give you a lobster sticker or show you a picture of that poem she wrote over a drawing of a brain.
13. The sleepers.
Per night bus, there are about six serial sleepers. The snorers are tolerable. It’s the teeth-grinders and the sleep-talkers who are the problem.
14. The girl who still hasn’t pulled and is determined to take someone home tonight.
There’s always one. She’s already lost her shoes and tights and she’s about to lose her dignity too.
15. The girls who’ve just been to a hen party.
Their false eyelashes are half way down their cheeks, they’ve got vomit in their hair and they’re having loud, graphic conversations about confusingly experimental sex. Possibly accompanied by role-play demonstrations that they’ll photograph and upload to Facebook with captions like “wooooo luv my girlies 2k13 !!! ! xxoxox”.
16. Your new BFF.
“OHEMGEE! You like ice cream? I like ice cream too! I can’t believe it! This was meant to be! Let’s be best friends forever! We can eat ice cream together every day!”
17. The genuine nutter.
This guy is pouring milk into a cereal box and eating it with his hands. Or he’s frothing at the mouth. Or he’s counting really fast in loads of different languages. Point is, you don’t want to sit by him.