Your alarm goes off. You drank the volume of a small lake and slept for fewer than three hours last night. But miraculously, you feel fine.
Oh hang on, no you don’t. You feel appalling. In fact, you’ve never felt this bad.
1. You open your curtains. The pain trebles.
Lesson 1: Avoid light at all costs.
2. Apparently a sizeable marching band has moved into the space your brain used to occupy.
Lesson 2: Alternate between taking paracetamol and ibuprofen on the hour, every hour. Even when you think you feel better, don’t stop. This is just your body playing a nasty trick on you. Don’t fall for it.
3. You look into a mirror. You’re now a translucent human with eyes that are smaller than peas.
Lesson 3: Apply makeup with a shovel instead of a brush.
4. You try showering. It hurts so much.
Lesson 4: Every drop of water will feel like a teeny, tiny pin puncturing your skin, but you need to shower. There’s no way around this. You stink.
5. You’re so tired.
Lesson 5: Coffee. Coffee is the answer. Drink it by the pint.
7. And go to work.
Lesson 7: If you can avoid public transport, do. The smell of the public will make you vom. Do not, under any circumstances, think about removing your sunglasses. Stop for carb-based snacks at every corner shop you pass.
8. It’s time to face your boss.
Lesson 8: Lie. Tell your boss you had an early night. But don’t stand near him because you’re emitting vodka from every pore. He will smell this.
9. You’ve never been thirstier.
Lesson 9: Hydration will lead to happiness. Try to procure and consume an entire watermelon. If you don’t work near a watermelon vendor, opt for fizzy water.
10. Everyone is speaking so loudly.
Lesson 10: Politely ask them to SHUT UP. This is well within your rights. If you can’t admit to being hungover, claim to be suffering from tinnitus. This is a believable (if slightly teenage) lie.
11. You appear to be experiencing fairly severe mood swings.
Lesson 11: This is unavoidable. If you need to shout at your colleagues, shout at your colleagues. You can always buy them a fun-size Twix to say sorry tomorrow.
12. It’s lunchtime.
Lesson 12: Right. It’s time to eat all the carbs you can get your hands on. At this point of the day, there are only two rules. 1) Avoid dairy; it will make you feel shit. 2) Maximise grease consumption; it’ll make you feel godlike.
13. Oh god. You’ve hit the post-lunch slump.
Lesson 13: It’s time to get the sunny Gs out again. You can sleep for 10 seconds at a time, behind the shades, without anyone noticing. If you struggle to open your eyes once your 10 seconds are up, bite your tongue really hard.
14. And now you’re getting flashbacks.
Lesson 14: Ignore these. Nothing good can come of reliving last night. As long as you had fun, nothing else matters. Now adopt this motto for the rest of your life.
15. You’re crying. Oh god, you’re crying.
Lesson 15: It’s OK to have a little hangover cry. Maybe call your mum.
16. And now you’re sleepy again.
Lesson 16: OK, it’s time for a quick round of Facebook back-stalk. This involves Facebook stalking your three fittest friends and looking at their oldest picture. They’re likely to have been significantly less attractive as teenagers. This will make you laugh which will, in turn, wake you up.
17. Hunger. Such hunger has hit.
Lesson 17: Track down someone (anyone) with a birthday. Eat their cake.
18. It’s 5 p.m. You can finally head home.
Lesson 18: Leave the office bang on time. Do not linger for a moment longer than is absolutely necessary.
19. Your friends want to analyse the drunk texts that were sent last night.
Lesson 19: Send a follow up message to everyone you drunk texted claiming that your pesky flatmate stole your phone. Make sure that your (faux) pesky flatmate sticks to this story.
20. The situation is worse than you could have imagined.
Lesson 20: OK, there’s a three-part cure to this.