1. Don't wait for the barrier to close before you swipe your Oyster card. Some people (read: ALL PEOPLE) are in a hurry.
2. If the platform is busy when you arrive, GET TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE.
3. Sometimes you won't get a seat. This does not mean you should bring your own.
Or sit on the floor.
4. If you want to read a broadsheet, fine. Just do it at home where it won't encroach on anyone's personal space.
5. Try to breathe into empty spaces. Not down the backs of strangers' necks.
6. Yeah, tubes are gross, whatever. But there's no need to be a dick about it.
7. No one should be able to hear your music but you.
8. Your bag does not deserve its own seat. It is not a person.
Neither is your dog.
9. If it's rush hour and you have to travel with a large bag, don't.
Same goes for your kayak.
10. But if someone who looks weak is carrying a heavy bag, help them out.
11. Talking of being nice, sometimes you will have to give up your seat.
12. So if you're pregnant and you want to sit, wear a badge. Otherwise we'll just think you're fat.
13. No snogging.
14. Or Instagramming.
15. You may only consume odourless foods.
16. You must never lean your whole body against one of those poles you're meant to hold onto.
17. If you're lucky enough to get a seat, don't be weird about it.
18. OMG stop reading over people's shoulders.
19. It is never OK to make eye contact. With anyone.
20. If you need to get off the tube, get up when it stops. Not 10 minutes before. Not five minutes before. No one has ever missed their stop because they got up when the tube stopped moving.
21. And please, for the love of god, wear clothes.
