1. In your twenties, you’ll accidentally hook up after a drunken kiss at a house party. You won’t remember the sex.
In your thirties, you’ll hook up deliberately after a wildly overpriced meal. You still won’t remember the sex, though.
Thanks to all that Dutch courage you drank at dinner.
2. In your twenties, you’ll get to know each other primarily through Facebook message.
In your thirties, you’ll get to know each other primarily through work, mutual friends, or sustained eye contact during Pilates.
3. In your twenties, you won’t really go on a “first date”. You’ll just stand near each other at a party.
You won’t go on a “first date” in your thirties, either. You’ll “do something fun together” instead, like a Groupon wine-tasting evening.
(It’s totally a first date, though, it’s just that no one is calling it that.)
4. In your twenties, you’ll know you’re “in a relationship” when you ritually delete anyone you could drunk dial.
In your thirties, you’ll know you’re in a relationship when you ritually delete your online dating profile.
5. In your twenties, nights out involve getting too drunk at a friend’s house party and crashing on their bathroom floor.
In your thirties, nights out involve 90 minutes in a pizzeria before rushing home to catch that nature documentary that starts at 9 p.m.
6. In your twenties, a hangover requires extreme levels of grease consumption followed by a conversation about doing it all again that evening.
A hangover in your thirties involves catching up with friends over eggs benedict and a latte at your local twee café.
Your hangover isn’t that bad, anyway. You only had three white wine spritzers with dinner.
7. In your twenties, you don’t own much stuff. So you may end up sharing a single bed.
In your thirties, you have too much stuff. Moving in with someone involves making brutal decisions about whose espresso machine has to go.
*Sniff*. Good-bye, old friend.
8. In your twenties, you have very quiet sex so as not to disturb your housemates.
9. In your twenties, you shower together to save on the water bill.
10. In your twenties, you spend Saturday mornings snoozing and sleepily formulating breakfast plans.
In your thirties, you spend your Saturday mornings at the farmer’s market, gazing bleakly at organic kale.
11. In your twenties, meeting the parents involves reeling off your CV to prove that you are ambitious and your internship is leading somewhere.
In your thirties and about to meet the parents? Be prepared for awkward questions about how many children you already have and/or why the hell you’re still single.
12. In your twenties, a romantic weekend away entails a coach trip to Paris and two nights’ sleep on a mate’s sofa.
Which is lovely and romantic, but will result in severe back pain.
In your thirties you go to Brussels, because you’ve done Paris a few times, and last time you went you had that fight.
Also, you choose your hotel based on how close the plugs are to the bed, so you can charge your phone while reading it.
13. In your twenties, getting the seal of approval from each other’s friends is really important.
In your thirties, it’s more about getting your friends and your S.O.’s friends to like each other.
14. In your twenties, you pick the wine for dinner based on how much it has been reduced by.
Or how much it tastes like Ribena.
In your thirties, you are EXPERTS on wine because of that Groupon wine-tasting evening you went on.
“This Riesling totally has legs.”
15. In your twenties you judge other people’s PDAs, but know that you’re guilty a lot of the time.
Thirtysomething PDAs are gross, and only occur when drunk.
You assume anyone engaging in a PDA is in their twenties, or European.
16. In your twenties, Valentine’s Days are awkward because no one really understand if couples are supposed to celebrate them.
And one of you will inevitably end up misjudging quite how OTT you’re meant to go.
In your thirties, you only realise that it’s Valentine’s Day because you saw an advert.
17. In your twenties, you spend a significant amount of time analysing your S.O.’s every move with your friends.
In your thirties, you and your S.O. judge your friends.
Your thirties are a turvy-topsy world, yo.